Dear Gary, I Need You....

....I need you because you're the only one I can go to in times like this.  I'm able to tell you anything at all and dump a big messy pile of emotions on you, and you are able to reassemble them for me into something manageable.  You never judge, you never get overwhelmed with my issues.  You always make me feel loved and cared for.  You get most of the shit I talk about without me having to explain it in detail.  You understand these dark, scary, unbearable feelings.  I miss you so much.  I really miss you a lot these last few weeks.  So here I am writing you on my blog, thinking somehow you will read it and smile down on me and I will feel better.  Damn it.  I hope you know how many of us miss you.  I wish I knew Jan better so I could talk about you to her, but that might be weird.  I keep in touch with JE.  Both your boys are fine young men, I know you're proud of them - do you know how proud they are of you?  On a brighter note, I got to meet Erin this summer!  It was so cool.  She's exactly how you would imagine her because she's so authentic, you know what I mean?  I'm afraid to stop writing because I might start crying and not be able to stop.  I can't even remember the exact date that you died, I know it was before Thanksgiving, Nov. 14?  I wish I could ask you what it was like.  I suppose I'm being selfish right now wanting you back just because I need you.  But tough, that's just how it is.  I am still struggling with a lot of the same issues...but you'd be proud of me in many areas.  You were the best "big brother" a girl could ask for.  I saved a bunch of your emails and read them now and smile till my face hurts because I can hear your voice and your tone and not matter what the topic, you always brought your dry sense of humor into it.  We had a lot of LOW times.  I just thought of something.  I'm suppose to be writing about suicide for an article.  I am sooooooooooooooooooooo frigging glad you never did that, or that I never did it either.  That would have been ten times worse, maybe 100.  When my friend Doug did it, I understood, I was not shocked or surprised or hurt, just sad.  But losing you has left me feeling lonely.  I forget how much I relied on you until I need you.  And I also miss being needed by you.  We had a good two way street going.  Misery loves company, right?  But there were lots of good times too.  One of the last things we talked about was your new business venture and how excited yet nervous you were.  I feel better after talking to you here.  Are there blogs in heaven?  Is there a heaven?  You know my thoughts on that :)  Thank you, Gar, for still making me feel better even if I have to just imagine what you would be saying.  Why do I miss you so much it hurts tonight?
Love,
Your sister from another mother,
B