Writing From the Inside Out

Its Time for Goodbye

2011-12-02T15:13:00.001-08:00

This will be my last post on this blog. There was a time in my life that this blog was "it", the place I wrote almost daily (over 1,500 posts total) and where often there was a great dialogue (or debate) going on in the comments. I wrote on many topics and shared lots of personal thoughts and stories. It was fun.

Then along came heroin. It crept into my son's life and owned his very soul (it still does). I became front and center in my life so I started a blog called "Needle and the Damage Done". When he seemed to be doing well (false!) I changed the name to "Recovery Happens". Recently I changed its name once again to "My Life, His Addiction".

So, from now on, if I have something to say, even if it doesn't relate to addiction, I will be writing over there. I still update my Quotes blog and my Images blog about once a week.

Sadly, my two favorite blogs have become dusty, cold places where I only occassionally post. I will keep both Layla's Classic Rock and Gone But Not Forgotten because they still get lots of hits from Google searches.

Thanks for all the comments, good times and friendship. I realize only a few people still read here (Hi Joey!) but I am still in touch with many people from the "old days" of Writing From The Inside Out :)

I'll leave this blog with a song that my son likes, Trent Reznor wrote it, but Johnny Cash's version really gets to me:

Nine Inch Nails
"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

How Much Do You Know About World Hunger?

2011-11-23T09:47:00.001-08:00

Spaced Out Random Post

2011-11-16T13:32:00.001-08:00

I really have nothing to say, I just wanted to put something new up here.

I am feeling very spaced out at the moment, just kind of in a daze. Its not good or bad, it just is.

I'm at work so maybe I better undaze myself :)

I am allowed to do whatever I want at work as long as I answer the phones. Its sometimes too easy of a job.

This is a picture I drew of a guy I was madly in love with. LOL. He's an artist, I am not.

He painted a few portraits of me and he was hurt that I didn't like them, and I will always feel bad for that. The first one was very special to him but I think I looked mean. I can't for the life of me remember the name of it, but he had some reason for making me look that way.

The second one is me at the beach at sunset - which is cool the way the sunset reflects on the sunglasses. Also - where the heck are my eyelashes in the first one? I have nice lashes and they are no where to be seen. In the second one I look super fat.

Allergic to Red Ink, A First World Problem

2011-10-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

I just felt like complaining and perhaps elicit some sympathy for my latest "problem". Then I realized how pathetic it was that my problems are mostly First World Problems that amount to nothing compared to Third World Problems.

Have you seen the First World Problems website on Reddit? It puts things in perspective and can also be humorous.

But, I am going to complain anyhow:

Over 30 years ago I got my second tattoo, a simple red rose on my ankle. All was fine and dandy for about 10 years then one day out of nowhere the red parts of the rose started to get all bumpy and itch and they stayed that way for months. When the bumps finally left the ink went with it, so now I have a skin-toned rose with a green leaf.

WELL - about ten years ago I got my Very Favorite Tattoo of all time, and parts of it were red. I had previously gotten a tattoo and remembered to tell the guy to use NO RED (he used dark pink) but when I got my "anklet" he used red on the hearts.

Now the red hearts (four in all) are bumpy and itchy and I'm sure the ink will fade out in a few months.

Someday I will have Anthony fill it in for me with dark pink and get rid of the initials which are meaningless to me now (my artist told me NOT to get someone's initials there but I was "in love", right!)

Trippy Hippy Me

2011-10-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

R Jacob wanted to see pictures of myself in my younger years.

I was born too late to be a true hippy, but I still had the spirit. Its embarrassing to think of some of the outfits I wore! A typical day was a pair of guy's 501 Levis paired with a feminine shirt and suede lace-up moccasin boots! I was so slender that I could use a bandanna as a belt. I was known for my long hair and for being kind of shy.

I was also known to wear feathers in my hair, lots of beads and silver and turquoise. Then their was the surfer girl days where I wore wrap-around skits and halter tops with flip flops (the cheap rubber kind, yes rubber, not plastic). I typically went barefoot, even at high school, but carried them in my purse just in case I got caught. Eventually I started dressing more in tune to what everyone else was wearing, sooner or later most of us have to conform (if we want a job).

I hung out with an older crowd, had only a few friends that actually went to high school with me. I partied A LOT and did A LOT of very stupid things when high. People that know my stories say I should write a book, but if I did it would have to be anonymous. I'm ashamed of some of the things I did and embarrassed by most - but it would be entertaining!

Steve Jobs and Me

2011-10-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

It was interesting to find out that Steve and I shared the same opinion on the same book:

Jobs found himself deeply influenced by a variety of books on spirituality and enlightenment, most notably Be Here Now, a guide to meditation and the wonders of psychedelic drugs by Baba Ram Dass, born Richard Alpert.

"It was profound," Jobs said. "It transformed me and many of my friends."

Me too! I read that book over and over in the 70's. I wonder if Steve ever dropped acid? I got to see Baba Ram Dass in person one time. Gradually I came down from my ultra trippy-hippy way of living, but I never lost the message of that book!

quote from Steve Jobs taken from this article

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

2011-10-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

- the ins and outs of visiting jail
- how easy it is to become addicted to heroin
- certain things certain people have done to get drugs
- recovery lingo
- drug lingo
- how easy it is to OD and die from heroin
- the addresses of two jails (by memory)
- the difference between visiting jail and prison
- the list goes on

I wish I was ignorant of all this, and more. I wish my life hadn't become saturated with the ugliness and sadness of heroin addiction.

But as my grandpa always said "you can wish in one hand and spit in the other" (I think that is suppose to mean, wishing is worth spit, so don't bother)

Today I am grateful my son is alive, is safe and has HOPE.

Daryl Hall was on Jimmy Fallon the other night, therefore....

2011-10-13T17:34:00.001-07:00

Laguna Beach summers were like magic. There was always an element of anticipationin the air, you never knew what the day would bring. In the summer of ‘81 she fell in love. Every time she hears “She’s Gone” or “SaraSmile”, her thoughts still drift back to Peter…

It was the perfect warm summer day. She could see the ocean as she stepped fromher car, the sun glistening on the waves. A slight breeze swept across herface. Anticipation was growing.

She had to see him. He’d been on her mind for the last two days, he was all shecould think about. How good she feltwhen they were together, how easy and natural their relationship was. He had an air of toughness about him, but itwas overshadowed by his sincere innocence. He was a few years younger which added an extra element of lust, he wasso eager to please and she was so experienced.

Tall, blond, strong. She loved his Jersey accent and the wayhis hair fell across his forehead. She loved his manly scent and his boyish smile. His eyes were a bright light blue surroundedby lush dark lashes. He had the bodyonly a young man can have – lean muscles covered with the softest, smoothesttan skin.

He was very confident around her even though he was barely out of his teens. Hemade her feel safe and protected. He treated her like gold. She never grew tired of hearing him say howbeautiful and sensual she was. She nevertired of showing him her appreciation for all his sweet words.

She stepped across the blacktop avoiding the puddles of oil and walked behindthe gas station. She felt the eyes of several men watching her as she walkedpast. She liked the feeling of being looked at.

Her body tensed at the thought of his touch, she had been aching to see him fordays. They had been together most of the summer and every time she saw him herheart still skipped a beat. She was so looking forward to surprising him today.

There he was. She stopped and smiled to herself and watched him. He was leaningagainst the wall smoking a cigarette and talking to guy who was looking underthe hood of a car.

After a moment he felt her presence, looked over and smiled. He walked over andbent to kiss her, being careful not to touch her with his greasy hands. Hewasn't expecting her but when he saw her standing there, he knew why she'dcome.

He gave her the keys to his place and she went there to wait for him. Sheopened all the windows to let the ocean breeze in. She put on his favoritemusic and neatly made his bed and tidied up his little house.

When she heard the sound of his motorcycle approaching she took off her clothesand waited by the door. He was surprised to see her wearing only an expressionof seduction. Her long hair brushing across her soft tan skin.

She led him to the shower and bathed him. She loved his lean body, hisnaturally muscular arms. She loved making him wait, hearing him moan inanticipation of what was to come.

They spent the afternoon on the neatly made bed. As the sun started to set hepulled a blanket over them and told her he loved her for the first time.

Her heart dropped. He had used the “L”word, a word that scared her, haunted her. Loving to her, meant being hurt. She didn’t want to, but as with all the men before who had said thosethree words, she had to leave.

She began to cry and he held her tight, assuming she wasoverwhelmed with joy. He kissed her hair, her eyes, her shoulders. He was sosweet and tender.

They made love one more time that evening and she knew it would be their last.Poor Peter, another heart broken. Another lover left to wonder how something so good could end so abruptly.

As she looks back today on her “was he the one I let getaway” list, Peter is at the top.

when all else fails...

2011-10-11T18:45:00.001-07:00

I watch this video and miss Michael.
Kev's back in jail.
I am numb, sad, tired.

For Joe:

2011-10-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

lots more music but this is a start :)

Dear Gary, I Need You....

2011-10-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

....I need you because you're the only one I can go to in times like this. I'm able to tell you anything at all and dump a big messy pile of emotions on you, and you are able to reassemble them for me into something manageable. You never judge, you never get overwhelmed with my issues. You always make me feel loved and cared for. You get most of the shit I talk about without me having to explain it in detail. You understand these dark, scary, unbearable feelings. I miss you so much. I really miss you a lot these last few weeks. So here I am writing you on my blog, thinking somehow you will read it and smile down on me and I will feel better. Damn it. I hope you know how many of us miss you. I wish I knew Jan better so I could talk about you to her, but that might be weird. I keep in touch with JE. Both your boys are fine young men, I know you're proud of them - do you know how proud they are of you? On a brighter note, I got to meet Erin this summer! It was so cool. She's exactly how you would imagine her because she's so authentic, you know what I mean? I'm afraid to stop writing because I might start crying and not be able to stop. I can't even remember the exact date that you died, I know it was before Thanksgiving, Nov. 14? I wish I could ask you what it was like. I suppose I'm being selfish right now wanting you back just because I need you. But tough, that's just how it is. I am still struggling with a lot of the same issues...but you'd be proud of me in many areas. You were the best "big brother" a girl could ask for. I saved a bunch of your emails and read them now and smile till my face hurts because I can hear your voice and your tone and not matter what the topic, you always brought your dry sense of humor into it. We had a lot of LOW times. I just thought of something. I'm suppose to be writing about suicide for an article. I am sooooooooooooooooooooo frigging glad you never did that, or that I never did it either. That would have been ten times worse, maybe 100. When my friend Doug did it, I understood, I was not shocked or surprised or hurt, just sad. But losing you has left me feeling lonely. I forget how much I relied on you until I need you. And I also miss being needed by you. We had a good two way street going. Misery loves company, right? But there were lots of good times too. One of the last things we talked about was your new business venture and how excited yet nervous you were. I feel better after talking to you here. Are there blogs in heaven? Is there a heaven? You know my thoughts on that :) Thank you, Gar, for still making me feel better even if I have to just imagine what you would be saying. Why do I miss you so much it hurts tonight?
Love,
Your sister from another mother,
B

Ban the "F" Word

2011-10-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

I know there are hungry people in the USA and other parts of the world that need help. But there is a huge difference between HUNGER and FAMINE. As this video reports:

30,000 children died in the last three months.

I haven't heard of anyone dying of starvation in the USA for years. We spend billions on the military to go to other countries and kill, it would take such a small amount of money to go to Somalia and save.

And this goes for all the First World Countries. Its sad how things are today. If every country that did not have famine could send help to the place that does, we could help them defeat if by building irrigation, bringing food, etc.

Of course, we can't depend only on governmental help for these people, any of us who don't go to bed hungry each night should be able to scrape a few dollars from the bottom of our purses or under the car seat. The smallest amount makes a difference if enough people are willing to share.

Personally, I don't see boundaries dividing us all into nice little neat sections (countries, states, cities, etc) I just see people.

Thank you, ONE.

Food Security Conditions

(Integrated Food Security Phase Classification Scale)

Source: USAID Open Data

I Don't Like The Pink Ribbon

2011-10-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

The Pink Ribbon for Breast Cancer Awareness first came out in 1991. Things were different back then - there was no Internet so if you wanted to bring a cause to light you had to do things differently. I was all for the pink ribbon back then because to me it was a reminder to women that they needed to take charge of their health and do self-exams and/or mammograms.

In the mid-nineties one of my dearest friends, Denice, was diagnosed (just writing that made me feel so sad). She fought for her life. She went into remission several times but in the end it won. Denice's last words to me were in December 1999, she said "don't worry, you can't get rid of me yet, there's no way I'm going to miss Y2K. If the world blows up I want to be here!!!" (she often made me laugh so hard my cheeks would be in so much pain I'd almost cry).

ANYHOW - now when I see a pink ribbon (and they are everywhere all year long) I am turned off. I think of how companies are making big money by selling pink ribbon items and making big bucks. I read recently that sometimes meager amounts actually get sent to cancer research.

And what pisses me off even more is that these foundations, especially Susan B. Komen, call themselves non-profit but I'd like to know how much money they spend on all their employees - they seem to have a huge corporation and when I just checked there were about 15 openings all for money related positions to keep the cash flowing in.

But here is the icing on the pink cake: Approximately 20% of their non-profit income goes to research. That's sad. I think they started out with good intentions and got greedy. I did some research and found a lot of very angry people out there with stories to tell about what really goes on at the SBK Foundations offices and how wealthy their executives are. There is nothing wrong with making money, but they ACT like your this superhero fighting against breast cancer and really aren't doing all that much to help. What has really changed in the last 20 years? Less women die but is it from all the advancements in medicine or because of the advancements in technology to detect it sooner?

One last negative, this really gets to me: THERE ARE SO MANY TYPES OF CANCER AND MANY THAT KILL MORE PEOPLE THAN BREAST CANCER! Why don't we see merchandise promoting lung, colon or bone cancer? Because pink is pretty and sells? It makes me sick to think of a huge corporation running around spending tons of money that is really not doing all that much to help people (from what I've learned).

I always feel guilty if I turn down a request to put a pink ribbon on my blog or whatever, but lately I haven't been

Ok, I will shut up now. I feel this post will be very unpopular but its been bugging me for years so I thought I'd get it out of my system not that its officially Pink Ribbon month. Please feel free to share your thoughts, I know many will disagree with me.

Below are a few things I found online from doing research, the first few items are from a blog called "Feminist Philosphers":

~~~~~~~~~

You may have already seen pink ribbon events planned for October. For a number of women with breast cancer, these events are opportunities for boycotts.

Boycotts? Why in the world? One major worry arises with many charity campaigns: Where is the money really going? But there is also here another concern: a disproportionate amount of the money that is actually spent on the disease goes to awareness, not research for a cure. Treatment for breast cancer is too often brutal and primitive, with about 150,000 women (USA) with the deadly metastatic form, 40,000 of whom will die in 2011. The treatment is slash, burn and poison, and even when that seems to work, the cancer can return 20 or so years later to catch you again, too often at a later and more deadly stage.

Some quotes from a large cancer discussion board:

I got my regular flier from the HEB grocery store today. HEB is a large chain in Texas. The foldover had their bid for your pink money. All coupons will be printed in pink. If you buy two boxes of cookie mix they’ll give you a free reusable grocery bag adorned in pink ribbons…..OR……OR……you can give them $19.97 for a pink fold out chair that says “Fight like a girl” on the back……..or…..or….. you can pay $6 each for some a coffee cup or tumbler with pink ribbons all over it. AAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. So glad I wasn’t in the store, I hurt to much to shop right now. So I hit their web page and here’s what I told the customer relation form:
Today I received in the mail your regular flier. To my dismay I noted your Pink notice encouraging us to join the fight against Breast Cancer. No where on that flier did it indicate how you support or fund research into curing Breast Cancer. It certainly encourages me to spend money at your store.
I am currently diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer and my awareness has been raised as never before. Are you aware that even Susan B Komen contributes only 19% of their funding to research while spending nearly 40% “awareness” This month myself and many other Stage IV ladies who know we will die of complications from this disease are sick of PINK. [Stage IV is metastatic; 5-year survival rate is 15%.]
We are asking corporations to stop co-opting this deadly issue to obtain revenue from their customers while doing very little to nothing to fund the research that actually could fight this disease.
Tomorrow I am interviewing with the Austin American Statesman on this issue and I intend to use your ad to point out the frustration we cancer “survivalists” have with the nauseating PINK campaigns throughout the month of October.
Where is your funding going for Breast Cancer????? Is it really helping????
You can do better! You know you can!
~~~~
I have a relatively popular blog. In fact, last time I called a company on their pinkwashing, they had to shut down.
I put right in the media section that I don’t support any awareness activities, only research.
Yet, I am being inundated with requests to promote pink products. Somebody has a butter bell, somebody has a piece of jewely they designed, somebody else has pink Brillo pads.
I’m going to creating a big wall of shame.
I write them all back, saying that it’s disgusting that they are trying to profit off the backs of suffering women and donate money to groups that don’t help with anything that helps the only folks who die of breast cancer – us.
And, that I will certainly mention their product on my blog – in my Hall of Shame.
That scares some people. Wait until that blog post comes out.

The following refers specifically to SBK:
~~~~
Susan Komen seems to be an example of an organization was started for the right reason but who has lost focus as to what their mission is. Making money is necessary for them to operate but the manner in which they do it shows us all something. They have turned into just another huge corporation! I am a member of a non-profit org (all volunteers) that raises funds for breast cancer patients that can't afford insurance. When Komen blew into town they told us we should shut down (we didn't) and give our money to them even though our funds stayed in the local community (all our funds) and helped local people. Recipients of Komen's money have to jump through considerable hoops to get their grants even signing contacts stating that the Komen logo on the recipient's web site will be first and bigger than the rest and the Komen events will be first. This rings more like "I am the biggest and you will do what I say" than "How can we help you help your clients". I hope they wake up soon!

~~~~~
Being involved with many charities over the past 30+ years, I am appalled at the marketing driven focus of this organization. They do an average job in educating, however they will not consider any educator for employment until you are either a member of the jr league or you know one of their employees who is a jr league member. Their program expenses are less desirable. Other competing charities in the major markets HAVE NO CHANCE of getting money once the Komen Foundation gets the money committed, especially corporations. GIVERS BEWARE!

~~~~~

Many years back, I was a divorced mother living on a very limited income and zero insurance. Trying to do the best for myself under such constraints, I called the SGC Foundation inquiring for assistance in locating a source providing low-cost or no-cost mammograms in the DFW area. The lady I spoke with informed me, "No, we don't do that." & "I can't help you with that." I was really taken aback as the image projected by this organization lead me to think this is exactly one of their functions. Do we really need to give millions to an organization to paint everything on the planet pink, have celebs trot themselves out for another "I'm a do-gooder" moment, purchase, ever so heartrending, commercial airtime and create huge bureaus paid large salaries? Is this really the best use and intended use of donated monies? This "Awareness" schtick is a gravy train. I think everyone in America is already more than AWARE.
~~~~

Please do your homework. Have you had breast cancer and have you tried to obtain assistance? Try it. Eye-opening. After calling dozens on Komen's list, I found that most provide workshops/pamphlets. None that I called provide financial assistance.

$9 million "miscellaneous" is not acceptable in for-profit corporations, where you better know where that money went. Non-profits need to be held accountable. One Komen executive makes $500,000/annually.

Breast Cancer is a Cash Cow. Breast cancer is NOT the world's leading cause of death. A few years back, AIDs was receiving this type of attention/funding. But it's no longer a media or fundraiser darling. Cancer has taken over. FYI, in middle and low-income countries, traffic accidents kill more people.

~~~~~

PLEASE check Komen's 2007 annual report. It's shocking. I've asked about the following, but no response has been received yet: 1) $22,989,969 for professional fees! What's that? 2) $9 million "miscellaneous." I have worked with professional for-profit and non-profit corporations for 45+ years and am positive that NO ethical company would allow $9 million "miscellaneous." 3) $8 million for printing in this internet age and at a time when we are concerned about Global warming and "green," and do NOT need to be cutting down more trees for information that is already on line and redundant with all other cancer organizations. 4) Only 50% of their total distribution goes to programs. Also, very little of Komen's money actually helps patients with expenses. It goes to research, yet more is NOT needed for research; funds are needed to actually help people cover unexpected medical expenses. Even with the best insurance, cancer treatment will eat up any savings you may have.

Please find more efficient, effective organizations to support.

Ocean View Massage

2011-09-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of great memories from my younger years. The other day I had a flashback of a time when I was dating a guy named Billy. It was Summer and he was visiting his friend Claudia in Laguna Beach.

I met him at the beginning of summer knowing he'd be moving back to Missouri in the Fall. Billy, Claudia, Tom and I were together a lot that summer. Lots of going to the beach, lots and lots of partying. They had a great little house overlooking the ocean (Claudia's dad was a famous actor, who has since passed away, so at one point she had money till he cut her off - he was not a nice man so I will not mention his name).

Sometimes in the late afternoon after being on the beach all day we'd go back to the house, shower, and lie around smoking pot. For some reason, I was into giving massages at that time so we'd move a bed into the living room and push it up against the window so we could have the warm salty breeze coming in on the person I was massaging.

I would massage all three of them. Long, relaxing massages with Awaupui lotion, mmm it smelled so good.

I loved Billy. He was a good guy. I thought he was so cute. He was shorter than me, long blond hair, and the most gorgeous green eyes surrounded by thick black eyelashes. He had this deep voice, and I can still hear him calling me "Barb" (I don't like being called that but I let him get away with it).

I went to my first Springsteen concert with him (my sister was there too of course!).

At the end of the summer I had to make a decision: Should I move back to Missouri with him and start a new life there? I remember sitting in my car crying when I told him I decided not to go. He cried too. I don't think we ever spoke (or did we?). It wasn't as easy to keep in touch in the days before cell phones and Internet.

Anyhow, that's my memory today. The warm, salty breeze, the scent of Awaupui, good friends, a sweet boyfriend that falls into the large category of "was he the one I should have stayed with?".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will scan a photo of him later and put it up here.

Can We Trust Dr. Oz?

2011-09-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Ever since I got a DVR last year I record tons of shows and then "flip through them", sort of like you would look at a magazine just to see if anything catches your eye. Recently I've been flipping through Dr. Oz's show.

I know this is going to sound like I'm knocking him, and I don't want to do that because I believe his desire to help people be healthier is sincere. But its also making him barrels full of money, making him even more famous and giving him a platform to be be influential on millions of people (he is one of Oprah's proteges after all).

So with those things in mind I have to wonder if his platform for sharing health information is working, or could it be causing more harm than good? For instance - he contradicts himself often and those in his audience may be left confused. I am very interested in health and nutrition so I have been studying it since my 20's and so I assume most people know at least the basics, but if not, they may rely too heavily on his word as the final word rather than investigating for themselves what is best for them as an individual.

But what conclusion will an Oz fan (not to be confused with an Ozzy fan - rock on, Oz!), have when they hear one day that their breakfast should be all protein and then hear that breakfast should be all carbs? I've heard both on his show within a week. I personally start my day with a protein shake and have most of my carbs at lunch (a salad with rice or whole grains usually) and avoid all carbs after dinner. If I need a snack its yogurt or an apple with sunflower seed butter.

I think Oprah has done a lot of good in the world by bringing so much awareness to issues that were not brought up in mainstream media - like her segments on male sexual abuse. That was so important on so many levels. There are many more, but that's my personal favorite.

BUT she's also created a huge following that sees her as some sort of guru on life. If Oprah says something they believe it, buy it, do it, think it, etc. And along the way she's brought them a psychologist, Dr. Phil; a doctor, Dr. Oz; a financial advisor, Suzie Orman; and a myriad of others that she had on her show as experts.

For some reason, its always bothered me. Maybe because I think for myself and prefer to research the hell out of any topic I am interested in rather than listen to one person. Maybe because I'm jealous that she never had me on her show to promote my book and make it an overnight bestseller (oh wait, I still haven't written it!). Maybe because its just another example of how powerful the media is and how easily we are led to believe what THEY tell us.

One last thing about Dr. Oz - he may be scaring the hell out of people. Tonight he's having a segment on cancer that will leave people running to the doctors for tests that they probably don't need but have been scared into getting. I'm all for being in charge of one's own health, but I also know what gets high ratings. Is it really a good idea for him to even have a show? He's educating people but also promoting a lot of products and dramatizing a lot of illnesses that give people like me an entire new list of killer diseases to worry about, and the stress of that is more likely to hurt us than the possibility of getting the disease.

Just my thoughts. What do YOU think?

2011-09-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

Imagine

2011-09-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

Check my music blog today if you'd like to see a slideshow I made years ago to the song, "Imagine":

Imagine 40 Years Ago Today

West Coast Earthquake Veterans Snickering at East Coast

2011-08-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

A newscaster here just made the above statement. I am trying so hard not to be one of those west coasters, but have to admit...I did smile at some of the people that they interviewed.

Californians have a saying, "we don't get out of bed unless its a 6.0 or higher".

But I understand how scary it would be for a first timer.

Ok, I am watching more on the news and I have to stop watching or I will laugh. And that's not nice.

One of these days California is going to get the BIG ONE, its inevitable. I'm prepared but could be better prepared.

Oh, and its important to know that the difference between the levels of an earthquake, its not a point system, it works like this:

The Richter scale is logarithmic, meaning that whole-number jumps indicate a tenfold increase. In this case, the increase is in wave amplitude. That is, the wave amplitude in a level 6 earthquake is 10 times greater than in a level 5 earthquake, and the amplitude increases 100 times between a level 7 earthquake and a level 9 earthquake. The amount of energy released increases 31.7 times between whole number values.

source: How Stuff Works

The largest one I've been in was a 7.2. I can't even imagine what an 8 would be and they say that the Big One will be at minimum an 8. Yikes.

Happy 75th Robert Redford

2011-08-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

It was just brought to my attention that yesterday Robert Redford Turned 75 years old. The article notes that this kind of news doesn't make headlines. We hear all about Kim Kardashian's wedding or the latest celeb divorce/break up, or other trivial nonsense about people who have little to no talent. Very sad statement of what we value in entertainment these days.

I for one, have been a huge fan of Bob's since I first fell in love with him in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (just for the record, I was even more in love with Paul Newman).

Not only is he a great actor, he's a great director, a generous philantropist, activist, environmentalist AND he gave indie filmmakers the opportunity of a lifetime by creating the Sundance Institute and Sundance Film Festival.

What are some of your favorite Robert Redford films/roles? Here's a few of mine, do you recognize all of them?

2011-08-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

Almost Half a Million Pay Views!

2011-08-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

Holy smokes! I just looked at my site reader (I pretty much ignore it and look at Blogger stats if I am interested) and saw that I am only 76 visits from reaching a 500,000.

If you consider that fact that this accounts for all my blogs, its not that impressive. But I am going to try and figure out who the 500,000 person is and give them some sort of a prize :)

For WalkingBorder

2011-08-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

This post is for Karen. She left a comment sharing a great story about her pet rats. I get so excited when I meet someone that appreciates and understands what great pets they make.

Out of all the pets we've had, I have only been bit once and that's because I tried to pick Misty up while she was in labor (I didn't realize she was until a few hours later and there were 15 pups in her cage!!!

All of our rats have had their own unique personality. Several were rescued from a shelter, two were from breeders (maverick and goose), and the rest were bought in pet stores.

My favorites were Stuart, Michael, Katie and Van (sweet and affectionate) but I truly loved each and every one of those little rascals. My Vet calls rats "miniature Golden Retrievers" because they are such good family pets.

Here are a list of all our rats. I had some as a kid, but most of these were "Keven's pets" till I admitted they were really mine. :) We usually have them in pairs but a few were singles.

Bunny (Keven named her this, he was 2)

Holly

Ruby

Coco

Zoe

Claire

Van

Stewart

Stuart

George

Misty

Maverick

Goose

Michael (named after Michael Hutchence)

Issac (she was a girl with a boy's name, can't remember why)
Nutmeg
Chrissy (named after Chrissy Hynde)

Lola

Daphne

Katie (She was special, I gave her a huge area to live in that was multi-levels. She was a pack rack extraordinaire! She would carry objects to her "house" that you would never believe a rat could carry. I miss my girl!)

Childhood Rats:

Pixie

Alfred

Sadie

Cassidy

Neeper

I miss this cat...A Coyote got him a few years ago :(

2011-08-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

I just came across this old photo.

Brewster was special. He liked everyone, even our pet rats, Maverick and Goose.

Other Kinds of Love

2011-08-05T09:53:00.000-07:00

Romantic love is the most complex kind of love.

The least complex kind of love is the love between a dog and their owner. Some people would disagree and say that cats can love too, but I've had more cats (13) than dogs (8) in my lifetime and some of the cats were loving, but it was usually because they wanted love, not because they had it to give. Dogs give love. They are loyal and pure in their love. Sometimes they have a jealous love (Sugar won't let any other animal near me). I would be lost without my little Boxer-Pekingese-Daschsund-Chihuahua. She cracks me up, loves me, and gives me someone to baby and spoil. I love her. (DNA tests say she's the above mix....I see the Boxer in her, don't you? LOL)

Then there's the love a parent has for their child. I've heard a mother's love is the strongest love in the world. I definitely agree that for me - it was shocking at first to experience such a deep, fierce love. It started before he was even born and thankfully during the early year, becomes unbreakable. If not, a lot of mothers (myself included) would find their love wavering at times. When I hear about an abusive mother or a mother that abandons their child (physically or to drugs, money, men or whatever) its clear that there is a serious problem with that mom. Casey Anthony is said to have been a loving mom. Loving mom's don't chloroform their kid and leave them in the trunk of their car while they party to confidently die and they certainly don't kill them on purpose.

Sometimes a mother's love expands beyond her own child. That happened to me with Anthony. I have every reason in the world to not even like him, to despise him for all he's done to my family, for his lying, stealing and mostly for his involvement in Kev's heroin use. But, I love the hell out of him. Can't help it. Tried not to, it ain't gonna change. He's mine, I'm his. If something were to happen to me, I'd hope that someone like me would come into Keven's life. That's how it is with Anth. He lost his mom, he found me.

There's other kinds of love too, but I ran out of the desire to write so maybe another time....

Love is NOT a Choice (for me)

2011-08-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

For three years I was with a man that insisted love is a choice, a decision you make. He said he chose to love me and made a decision to be faithful to me. He wanted me to make that decision toward him, and I tried. I came to the conclusion that for me, love happens. Once it happens, I can make a decision to be faithful, committed, supportive, etc., but I can't just choose to love.

What do you think?

And this doesn't apply only to romantic love, but to all love. Parents naturally love their children. We meet people that become our special friends and we love them.

Here is the perfect example. Keven is my only child, and I love him with all my heart. But then along comes his buddy Anthony and by no CHOICE or decision, my heart opened up to him and I began to love him, and that love grew, and I still love him, and I will always love him. Sometimes I wish I didn't love him, and have tried to CHOOSE not to, but that's not going to happen. He's my other "son" for life.

So, in conclusion, love is not a choice.

Reminiscing about Past Loves

2011-07-31T15:17:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I've been dreaming of old boyfriends almost every night for the past week or so. I wake up reminiscing about one, then that leads to another.

I think subconsciously I am kicking myself (again) for choosing not to marry certain men from my past. (although there is one I am glad I never married...yes, Paul, you). He doesn't read here anymore.

I think back to Larry Hoover. I LOVED him! He was such a good human being, so sweet, so special, so sincere. But I was too emotionally unhealthy to handle a relationship with a guy who treated me well. Larry was very special to me and to this day I think of him as the one that I let get away :(

Then there was Bob Briot up in Oregon. We were a bit too much alike. He was in two rock bands and when he was up on stage playing bass flashing those dimples and strutting his stuff, it reminded me that the night we met he was living with another woman and left her for me that night. So I kept waiting for him to do the same, but he didn't. I ended up leaving him and coming back down here to be with my on-again-off-again bf of four years, and then we broke up for good a week later.

Then there was Steve Merry the Canadian traveling through Laguna one summer. Oh my gosh - that was intense and awesome. We didn't have enough time together, but each moment we did was so well spent and memorable :) We couldn't believe we had to say goodbye and both cried. We exchanged t-shirts so he could smell me and I could smell him. I slept with that t-shirt long after his scent faded. We wrote for awhile, but back then it was not like it is today. Letters had to be taken to the post office, etc. I believe if we would have had email, chat, webcam....we may have made things work out.

I used to love foreign men: Tito from Germany, Ian from New Zealand, Frederic from France, Stuart from England, Ian from Finland, Marco from Spain, Jon from Holland, Alex from Tennessee...

Ok, so Alex Peck wasn't foreign but he may as well have been with his twangy accent. We would sit on the boardwalk for hours and he'd play his guitar (mostly Willie Nelson songs) and then we'd go back to his tiny little studio apt. and .... we would make love or war. It seems we fought a lot but I can't remember why. People used to tell him he looked like a young Robert Redford and make a big deal over him cause he was so handsome and Southern. I was probably jealous.

And young Peter Baxter. Oh how I adore younger men, even when I was younger!!! Peter was from New Jersey which in and of itself made him attractive. He looked like a Laguna boy with his blond hair and big blue eyes, but once he opened his mouth it pure Jersey. He rode a motorcycle and worked at a gas station and I wrote a story about him. I left it for him the day I broke up with him, on his pillow. God I was cruel....but I could not seem to help myself. I left ALL of the men in my life. ALL of them, except one...

Dan Dawson. Dan left me for drugs. He fell in love with some creepy crack whore and liked her better than me because he was a cokehead and drugs trump love every time. I never thought I'd have a son that was like Dan, but apparently I do. :(

Maybe if I type all these guy's names here they will find my blog and I can apologize for being so horrible. I was a sweet loving girlfriend (except for Alex) but then I just LEFT. I can see now it was fear of being rejected. The fear was so strong that I had to beat them to it, KNOWING I was unworthy of lasting love and not wanting to go through the pain of being dumped.

There was one other guy that I loved very, very much, but it ended badly for other reasons. I probably would have stuck with him if he didn't lie to my face. Oh well.

Maybe I should have stayed with one of them....but then Keven would never have been born. He would not be Keven if his father was Bob Chandler or Billy Murray or Mike Cook or Steve K. or Ashley Murray, or any of the other hundreds of guys I've dated. His father is his father and I guess that makes him who he is....and other than being an addict, I would not change a thing about my son.

I have told him (and the many people who still ask me why I never married) that when you find love, never let it go. You may be afraid of it, or you may think "someone better will come along" (I'm also guilty of that). True love is worth working on and fighting for. THAT is where I went wrong.

Maybe its not too late.

Thank You

2011-07-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

I deleted the post that was here last night. I aired my thoughts, received feedback that shared my view that what happened was unfair, and the issue has been resolved.

Thanks to all of you who left comments helping me to see that I had a right to be angry. I don't get angry often or easily, but I do forgive easily and I've chosen to forgive and forget the incident.

Money is not the issue here. It was integrity, human kindness and above all fairness. I just wanted to be treated fairly not taken advantage of or allow someone to profit from my personal tragedy.

Compared to the other issues I am currently dealing with, being burglarized is very low on the personal tragedy list, but it was a violation and a heartbreak and cost my family money they should not have had to spend.

We put people over money so it was an easy choice for my mom and sister to share the costs to get the ring back, the relief I saw in their faces when they saw it is worth every penny, they each paid $400. Yet, for me, (the poor one in the family - lol) the $200 I had to pay extra makes a huge difference in my budget.

The store owner has agreed to pay me back. I am not going to pursue this further.

Thanks again for supporting me through another tough life moment.

2011-07-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

Keven is home on a pass today with his new girlfriend. She seems like a nice enough girl, but they all do at first. She's ten years older than him. Yep, ten. As long as they don't use drugs, that's all I care about.

I'm having a typical weekend. Trying to pretend its not a holiday.

Been having dreams about an old boyfriend and thinking about him a lot. I think its the time of year or something....not sure.

This will be a busy week with doctor appointments for my mother and myself. I have to have a post-op check-up for a minor surgery on the 14th plus have another apt, to try Gabapentin (aka neurontin) for the fibro. My mom has to have some skin cancer removed. I'm sure she'll be fine, this is standard procedure for her.

I would give up eating if I could. Sometimes its just a bother. I need to eat for nourishment, but if I had a choice I'd rather skip it.

I would die without music.

"All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that's to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark."

People STILL Think Fibromyalgia is "a made up disease"

2011-06-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

Warning: I'm in a MOOD. I just skimmed a long article, "Why Fibromyalgia Has a Credibility Problem".

Being in extreme pain today I'd like to throw out my two cents on this issue (again!).

First of all, why in the world would so many people have this type of pain if it were "a psychiatric problem". Aches and pains that are "all in our head" do occur but always for a deeper psychological issue. The pain we think we feel provides a means to an end - we need attention, we want to avoid something, etc. etc.

But what is the benefit of saying "I have Fibro!" because many people just look at you funny like you're a flake that is exaggerating "normal" pain because we are weak in some way. That's bullshit. The pain is real and those of us who have it must live not only with the pain but with the stigma that comes a long with it.

Fortunately more and more people are coming around, they believe its real, they empathize with those that suffer from it and they make people like me feel validated rather than belittled. Still, I rarely tell people I have it because there's no point for most people to know.

Supposedly the new drug, Lyrica, helps some people But with suicidal tendencies as one of the main side effects, I don't want to take it. I go there on my own every now and then so I don't want to add fuel to the fire.

It just really ticks me off that anyone would doubt a person who says they are in extreme pain, especially when there are absolutely no benefits to it (pain medications like Vicodin and Oxy don't touch it, trust me I've tried everything).

I actually don't even know if I have Fibro, but I am in constant pain that increases or decreases sporadically.

Here's my head to toe list:

Ears - Tinnitus (probably non-related but had to throw it in there for sympathy points, lol)
Neck - constant paint that never leaves me even after massage, left side twice as bad as right side
Shoulders - moderate to severe
Middle of chest - often feels like a pulled muscle
Left arm - when I grab something with my left hand that weighs 1/4 pound or more I get shooting pains in my elbow and my wrist weakens to the point that I can't hold on to the item
Right arm - similar to left but not nearly as bad
Right hand - fingers on this hand seem arthritic, they hurt when I bend them, I can't make a full fist with this hand but can with my left
Hips - this is the WORST. Imagine where your leg bone fits into your pelvic bone being on fire. This is how I feel if I walk for more than a short distance or if I walk too fast. It makes taking a walk feel like torture so I avoid it which makes my symptoms worse not better. Also if I am in bed lying on one side, that side hurts really bad but its my sleeping position.
Lower back - second worse area of pain, mostly when walking or standing still.
Legs - both hurt on the front and in the back all the way up and down but different degrees in different areas at different times....somedays my calves, some days my thighs, etc.
Right Leg Weirdness - There are two unusual things about my right leg that may or may not be related. There is a spot on my upper leg, about the size of a quarter that causes excruciating pain at the lightest touch. I have had boyfriends gently put their hand on that spot and I SCREAM. Also, sometimes just the water pressure in the shower hurts. Its been that way for 15 years so I am naturally very protective of that area and its rare that something touches me there unless its the cat or dog jumping on me without forewarning.
The other right leg issue is that it goes numb when I stand in one place for too long (usually starts to numb after about five - ten minutes).
Feet - believe it or not, my feel are pretty good!

I also get very tired very easy. I have good days and bad days. If I overdo it, I can plan on having a bad day, but sometimes they happen for no apparent reason. My brain gets foggy, my memory is not great and I don't contain information as easily as I used to. All of the above leads to depression because my life has become very isolated due to not being a "fun person" anymore.

I also know that when I am at my ideal weight the pain in my back goes away so I know that one is my own doing. I can only blame it on myself.

So do I have Fibro or not? It doesn't matter. This is how I live whether there's a name for it or not.

If you know someone with an invisible illness please let them know you understand and care that they are in pain (or whatever type of suffering their illness causes) even though they LOOK just FINE.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart (which only hurts when someone breaks it)

Emotions Get Triggered for my Daddy

2011-06-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

I was just going through a pile of my mother's unorganized but important documents. There are a lot of things in there that relate to my father. I could do a whole post on the documents related to his service in WWII (including a hand signed letter from Harry Truman and a list of all the medals he won and a job description for his role as a Medic Paratrooper).

When I unfolded the last piece of paper my hand trembled. After all these years, 36 to be exact, I still can't read his death certificate. Its too painful. I know he died of cancer, and he's been gone for so long, but the older I get the more I miss him. The more I wish he would have been here to know Keven, to make a difference in his life.
Or even to know me as an adult (I was 15 when he passed away).

I can look of all the other documents with pride. They're a testament to what kind of man he was, courageous, good, honorable, steady, disciplined. But the death certificate takes me back to the last days of his life where he was in bed, dying. The things he said, the way he looked....it was not my handsome, strong Daddy.

So I sat here and cried a little, then wrote this, and now will move on.

Life

2011-06-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here I am writing on a blog that is not longer in existence. I just felt like writing here for some reason.

I am trying hard not to have bitterness in my heart toward anyone for any reason. Its hard not to when there is so much cruelty and evil in the world. A friend is going through hell right now - real hell. Horrifying hell.

I know some people think of Hell as a place you go after you die, but to me hell is intense suffering here on earth. I don't believe in the other one.

There's really nothing to say. Just felt like writing nothing.

You Can Find Me:

2011-04-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

I will no longer be writing here, but I hope you keep in touch on Facebook and on my other blog, Recovery Happens.

And you can still stop through here to make your Amazon purchases!

Taking Care of Our Planet

2011-04-22T07:06:00.001-07:00

Remember when everyone threw all their trash in the same trashcan and didn't think a thing about it? Now I feel guilty if I toss a single plastic bottle in the trash, like that one bottle could be the one that throws the entire ecosystem out of kilter and is responsible for the demise of Life As We Know It.

But seriously, I do think its important to do all we can to keep this place healthy by respect our resources and doing our part to keep a smile on earth's face.

Write a Poem

2011-04-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is a repost of something I wrote here about a year ago:

April is National Poetry Month. I love poetry. I have written a bit of my own but its so personal, its hard to share.

This is a method used to teach children how to write poetry and I challenge you to try it too, I'd love to see what you come up with.

The Feeling Poem:

Line one: Name an emotion

Line two: “Smells like. . .”

Line three: “Tastes like. . .”

Line four: “Sounds like. . .”

Line five: “Feels like. . . .”

Line six: “Feels like. . .”

Line seven: “Feels like. . .”

Line eight: Name the emotion

Here's Mine (from last year):

Worry

Smells like my son's bedroom

Tastes like tepid water

Sounds like emergency response vehicles

Feels like being punched in the stomach

Feels like a throbbing headache

Feels like everlasting insomuch

Worry

Mine from today:

Defeat

Smells like a musty closet

Tastes like stale water

Sounds like an empty room

Feels like exhaustion

Feels like hopelessness

Feels like its over

Defeat

Both this poems have to do with how I feel about Keven and his addiction. Even when I am "handling it" well its kind of all consuming deep inside me. There's no escaping that. It may never end and that's the reason for feeling defeat today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. According to "experts" these are the eight basic emotions and their opposites, do you agree with this list? I think there are probably at least a twenty I feel on a daily basis starting with worry. Is worry an emotion? Is worry the same as fear?

Basic emotion	Basic opposite
Joy	Sadness
Acceptance	Disgust
Fear	Anger
Surprise	Anticipation
Sadness	Joy
Disgust	Acceptance
Anger	Fear
Anticipation	Surprise

Breaking my rule to never discuss politics on my blog:

2011-04-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the latest photo going around the Internet that has President Obama's face superimposed over the face of a baby chimpanzee posing for family photo with his "parents"? My post is not about that photo (although I find no humor in immature racial or hate "jokes" aimed at anyone). My statement is this:

How clueless is Marilyn D. (don't want her name on my blog)? She's one of my counties elected officials and she thought it would be fun to send that photo around to some other OC politicians.

First of all she thought it was okay to forward to it other officials, second she didn't see it as racist, third she thought it was funny and fourth she's surprised that the media picked up on this story and is making a big deal about it.

Its the fourth thing that makes her not too smart - the media LIVES for stories like this. They've asked for her resignation but she refused to step down because the Tea Party needs her.

I can't believe there are still people out there trying to prove that Obama was not born here. Like its some conspiracy that he faked being a US citizen just to get into office. Its flagrantly racist. If you don't like Obama that's one thing - but why are people STILL after all these years using his race to try and find an excuse to get rid of him.

I worked for a Christian ministry during his election and was subjected to overhearing racist comments about him on a daily basis. My co-workers bashed the hell out of him and cut out every nasty little cartoon they could find to post in the lunchroom. It was downright mean and childish and very unbecoming of a group of people who referred to themselves as "loving".

Ok. I'm done. I am just not very fond of racism or malicious humor so decided to spout off my feelings about it here.

10 Myths About Being Single by Bella De Paulo

2011-04-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

A single friend emailed this article to me. I love it.

Bottom line: not all singles are unhappy with their status. As much as I would love a relationship with a man - at this point I would not consider marriage because I don't see the point at my age. Yes, I would love to finally have a happy, healthy, loving relationship, but I also love my freedom and independence. I envy couples that have great relationships with their spouses but am also well aware lots of married people envy what us singles have (or don't have).

Here is the first myth, you can read HERE for the full article:

Stop telling single people why they are not married. If you are so sure that becoming unsingle is the ultimate and tyrannically powerful life goal of most single people, you probably believe a lot of other things about singles that just aren't true. It's time for some debunking.

Here are the top 10 myths about people who are single. For some of them, I'll provide just a brief version, with a link to the more detailed dethroning.

Myth #1 about single people is that if you are single, you are interested in just one thing: getting coupled. Single people, according to the myth, are home crying in their beer, distraught that they don't have a sweetie. You can think that, as long as you never ask singles what they want. But those pesky social scientists are always asking questions. When they asked a national sample of single people, in 2005 and again in 2010, whether they were looking to get married, fewer than half said yes! Younger people are more likely to say they are looking, but they get over it. The unmarried people who are least likely to say that they want to get married are the ones who already tried it: those who are divorced or widowed. In later life, men are always more eager to get remarried than women are, but even for them, if they have good support for friends, then they are no more interested in signing on again than are women. Now let me tell you about a category of single people you may not have heard about: people, like me, who are single at heart. For the single at heart, being single is who we really and truly are. We are not people who are "unlucky in love" or afraid of getting rejected or any of those other dopey stereotypes. We are not "marking time" until we find "the one." We just love our single lives. We love striking just the right balance between the time we spend with other people and the time we spend in sweet solitude. We love pursuing our passions. Single is who we are.

What Do You Think of This Ad of Mother Painting Son's Toenails Pink?

2011-04-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

When I heard there was an uproar over an ad showing a boy wearing nail polish I thought "big deal, tons of guys wear nail polish these days". I expected to see a male teen with black nails, maybe green. No biggie, right?

This caught me by surprise. I'm not sure if it bothers me or not, but I don't get the point or why a clothing store would choose to use it. Full story here. What do you think?

My least favorite athlete/celebrity

2011-04-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

Jerk

I know its not nice to call someone a jerk, especially someone that so many people think of as a great athlete, bla bla bla. But I've had issues with Mr. Bryant for years. If you want to know why you can find out here.

Apparently he's been running his mouth off again offending homosexuals.

National Volunteer Week

2011-04-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

If you've never tried volunteering you may be surprised at how rewarding it is! Volunteer Match is my favorite site that will hook you up with opportunities custom suited to what you are interested in or talented at doing.

Check them out here: http://www.volunteermatch.org/

2011-04-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Good Old Bill Gates!

2011-04-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

Click to make bigger

What Are You Reading?

2011-04-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

I love to read and usually have several books going at once (a bio, fiction, non-fiction).

Right now I have nothing on my bedside table and need a trip to the library.

I like to hear what other people are reading or recommend, so please share!

Bruce Springsteen Letter to the Editor: Story on poverty, aid cuts gives voice to voiceless | The Asbury Park Press | APP.com

2011-03-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

My hero, for so many reasons.

Bruce Springsteen Letter to the Editor: Story on poverty, aid cuts gives voice to voiceless | The Asbury Park Press | APP.com

Kindergarten

2011-03-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

For this week's RemembeRED prompt, we're asking you to remember kindergarten. If, after thinking about it for a while, you can't recall anything, move on to first grade.

I remember my first day of Kindergarten. It was a gray September morning, in more ways than one. I was a very shy child and unlike some of my friends, I was dreading the first day of school. To make matters worse, my mother was in the hospital having just given birth to my sister, so she was unable to be there fore me. My father and my maternal grandmother escorted me to school as I cried and cried for my mother. I remember my dad physically handing me off to my teacher and her telling him not to worry.

As the school year progressed I made a few friends, but only remember one of them. A boy named Larry. One of Larry's front teeth was gray and he had very curly blond hair. I went to his house after school one day and was astonished that his bedroom was so messy. There was literally no room on the floor to walk. I have never forget how that amazed me, that there were parents that allowed their child to have such a messy room.

I can also recall that my least favorite part of the school day was recess. Even back then I had social anxiety that sent me into a panic on the playground as it does today at a party. If another kid approached me I was fine, but I could not make the first move out of fear of rejection.

The only other memory from Kindergarten was nap time. Lying on the brown mats on the floor. I never slept, I would just lie there wishing it would be over because I didn't like lying on the floor on the mat.

That's my recollection :)

2011-03-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

Mother Teresa on Hopelessness

2011-03-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

We can cure physical diesases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love.

Wedding Ring Update!

2011-03-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

I wrote the post below titled, "Married People Should Be Required By Law to Wear Wedding Rings" a while back. I enjoyed the various comments received. Today I had an experience that once again proves my point that its not fair for married people to walk around without a ring on, because its like advertising you are available.

I was at the car mechanics today. There was an attractive man there waiting for his car (he reminded me of Ron G. of blogging fame...) So we struck up a conversation and were having a very nice chat up until my ride came. When I left he said "I hope I run into you on the trail" (a place where we both walk our dogs). So of course - I am immediately smitten with this dude and I'm bummed out that our conversation had to end so abruptly.

I come home and think about him and wonder how I can run into him again. I decided to be a bold assertive woman (which normally I am not, I always wait for the guy to make the first move) and I call the mechanic and ask him if the guy is married or not. He said YES he is. I said "Okay, well don't tell him I asked".

Ugh. The first thing I did when I saw him was check his hand for a ring. No ring. I feel stupid. Thank god I didn't make a fool of myself in front of him (only the mechanic knows....which is bad enough).

So, there you have it married people who walk around without a ring! You should at least have one tattooed on if you don't want to wear an actual ring.

Married People Should Be Required By Law to Wear Wedding Rings

Of course this would violate everyone's rights to privacy but seriously...why would you NOT wear your wedding ring? Why let the world think you are AVAILABLE when you are not? I think upon marriage everyone should have a ring tattooed on their finger, or the word "married" tattooed across their forehead.

So, I am half joking but - my earlier post made me realize that even if I had the guts to ask this dude out, he may be married.

Should I say "are you married" and if he says no give him "the look"?

I will see him in the next day or two. I'll keep you posted.

I refuse to ever go on a dating site again and this is the first guy in a very long time that has even caught my eye....so wish me luck, could be years till another opportunity arises.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for the input

2011-03-22T20:40:00.001-07:00

I appreciate all the comments on the last post. I am one of several people called back for a second interview so we'll see what happens.

What Would You Do?

2011-03-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

If you were offered a job with the agreement that you would stay for at least one year, for a pay that was not enough to meet your monthly needs, would you take it?

Any job is better than no job, right?

Or, do you keep looking to find one that makes just a bit more so you can make ends meet?

What if you do take the job that doesn't pay well enough? Is it worth the stress of being short each month?

What if you wait and still can't find anything?

The other day a guy jumped off a city building after being laid off from his job. I think a lot of people are getting to the point where they have to choose to be homeless or not and some rather just end it. There has also been a rise of murder suicide where one parent kills the kids and their spouse then themselves. Upon investigation its almost always financially related. This is scary shit! How did it come to this? I feel blessed to have a roof over my head, food to eat and an internet connection.

Donate to the RED CROSS to lend help to JAPAN

2011-03-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

Red Cross is always on the front lines of any disaster, and they are going to need a lot of extra donations. Please do what you can, even if, like me, it seems like such a small amount that it won't make a difference. If ten people that weren't going to give anything for that reason all gave $20 that would be $200. If a million people who could only give $20 gave that would be $20,000000. Small amounts do matter!!!

Here's a link: Red Cross

Gotta LOVE Jimmy Fallon and his Charlie Sheen parodies :)

2011-03-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

Video Link: Charlie Sheen's New Album: "Things I've Said" - Show Clips - Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - this is one of Jimmy's spot on Sheen impersonations.

Jimmy Fallon is the only late night show I watch. And of course I watch it the next day cause I record it....I'm not staying up late for TV if I don't have to.

I was trying to avoid all the Charlie Sheen shenanigans but its everywhere.

Personally, I think he's going to crash and burn sooner or later, but he sure knows how to get a lot of attention. I enjoy listening to all the psychologists analyze him, it doesn't take much to figure out he's a narcissistic warlock rock star from Mars with tiger's blood and Adonis DNA - duh!

THIS is my favorite (if it won't play link to it here):

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Mutual of Omaha, Aha Moment

2011-03-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

If you happen to be watching, look for my friend Joe, he is crazy, but in a good way:

Joe Heuer
YES, I am the crazy cat you'll see in the Mutual of Omaha Aha Moment Commercial

talkin' bout my Rock & Roll Philosophy

Sunday night during

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on ABC between 8-9 PM EST, 7-8 CST here in the US.

Gratefully Blessed!

March is __________ Awareness Month

2011-03-03T10:54:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of all the causes that are being brought to awareness this month. In a way its overwhelming to see how many things each month represents, and some seem kind of odd but I guess some people are really into flour, sauce and noodles (HEY - it should be spaghetti month!)

I will highlight the causes here that are close to my heart:

Black Hole Awareness Month
National Color Therapy Month
DVT(Deep Vein Thrombosis) Prevention Awareness Month
National Self-Injury Awareness Month
National Nutrition Month
National Peanut Month
Music in Our Schools Month
Youth Art Month
National Caffeine Awareness Month
National Flour Month
National Sauce Month
National Noodle Month
American Red Cross Month
National Frozen Food Month
National Text your Neighbor Month
Foot Health Month
Developmental Disabilities Month
Irish American History Month
Greek-American Heritage Month
Women's History Month
National Social Workers Month
Manly Month of March
Moustache March
Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, National
Spanish Vocab Builder Month

[edit]

Big and (Beautiful?)

2011-02-28T12:44:00.000-08:00

Question: can a fat person be considered beautiful?

In today's society, it would seem like the answer is "no".

My post today is inspired by what Drowsey Monkey had to say on her blog about being overweight and how annoying she is at being treated with disrespect, judgment and rudeness because of her size. I admire her acceptance of herself, and am working at accepting myself as I am, yet am also in the process of dropping some unhealthy extra weight that's kept me sedentaty for way too long.

Sadly, I think Drowsy is one of the few women I know that has embraced her size (other than this chick who is says it so well!). Most of the fat people I know are embarrassed or self conscious. Its sad. Discrimination against most things are intolerated, but its okay to make fun of the fat kid. I watched my son tormented daily in elementary school and he actually believes that he has friends now because he's thin vs. chubby. That is tragic - but I wonder, could it be true?

I wrote in her comments that I know what's it like to treated differently based on my body being fat or thin. I was thin all my life until i hit my mid-30's so it was a huge slap in the face to suddenly be treated like a second class citizen. Sometimes I felt invisible, other times I wished I was.

As Drowsey says in her post:

For some reason in our society it's okay to laugh at and make jokes about people's size. It's not considered appropriate to make fun of people based on their ethnic background, their religion, sexual orientation or the colour of their skin, but it's still okay to make fun of people who don't fit into society's image of what's an appropriate size.

I don't know who's to blame for this. It would be easy to blame the media (they definitely perpetuate the problem) but its kinda like what came first, the chicken or the egg? Who told the media that thin was in and fat was stupid, ugly, gross, etc. ?

Looking back at some of the paintings there was a time when large women were considered beautiful, do you think that will ever change?

Oh, and one thing that cracks me up is when the media calls people like Scarlett Johansen or Catherine Zeta Jones or Salma Hayek "large" RIGHT! Curvy and HOT, yes. Large? - no.

I can't think of a famous plus size woman (or man) that is considered to be a "sex symbol", can you?

Speaking of weight, I am co-authoring a blog with some friends about the struggles many of us face with food and the quest to become FIT (which does not necessarily mean THIN). I am in the process of losing weight because I want to feel better, look better and most of all be healthier. If you're interested the link is in the sidebar of my blog, its called Faithfully Finding Fitness.

A poem by John K.

2011-02-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

I found a very cool support forum for people who suffer from tinnitus. Since mines been at an all time high recently (no pun intended) I needed to talk to people who "get it".

Tinnitus is like chronic pain - no one can see it so a lot of people either don't understand it or think you're exaggerating. A lot of people on the forum say that when they tell someone they have ringing in their ears they get the response:

Oh, me too.

Or:

Doesn't everyone?

Yeah, I'm sure everyone has a little bit or has experienced it after a night at a rock concert but trust me - this is different. If you don't know what its like to feel like your head has been invaded by a chorus of very loud crickets that never shut up just stop and say a prayer of thanks right now.

If you do understand, if you have actually though "I may have to kill myself to escape this noise" then you will like John's poem.

He's not John Keats, this John K. is not a great poet (just an aspiring one) but he sure understands the frustration of living with tinnitus (aka Mr. T). He gave me permission to share it here. If you read to the end, yes, its true, Bono has tinnitus too.

Have you heard the still waters?
A good book in a quiet room?
When the wind doesn't blow and birds do not sing,
The sound of silence invaded by scream?

Like a blind eye that see's too much light,
And the pain in the leg cut off in war.
I long for silence though the ring is now me,
If I'm full of sound I better sing.

You take NOT my life though you torment me,
I'm fighting in the ring with the mighty Mr. T.
The vowel I best know is "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
If I'm full of sound I best always sing.

Here's my song sad but true,
It's about the silence I once knew.
Have you ever not wanted to live but not wanted to die,
What's a hundred years in eternal time?
(I best be "stayin alive")

Why me, oh why me?
Why not me, oh why not me?
A year ago I didn't think I could make it another day,
300+ days later I'm not alright but I'm okay.

"God willing, though I'm tone deaf and sing horribly, I want to sing another day. ---I can handle this and U2. Bono has terrible T---"

Misunderstanding Introverts

2011-02-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

My friend, Erin, linked to an article in Psychology Today titled "It'll Be Fun" and Other Extrovert Lies. I could totally relate.

Being an introvert in an extrovert world has a lot of challenges, the main one, being labeled as shy, unsociable or (the worst ones to me personally) arrogant, selfish or unfriendly. I am so NOT arrogant, selfish or unfriendly :(

I love people, so it hurts that I come across that way to people who don't know me.

I am not shy (see post about talking to strangers). I like to be around my friends (the few I have mean the world to me) and you can throw me into the right crowd (a concert vs. a party) and see that I am far from unsocialable. Saying "NO" to social events doesn't mean I am too selfish to share my time, it means I need my time alone or I will literally not be able to function. My body will shut down and force me get the time I need to stay "whole". (I do admit I hate parties and social events, more on why later).

Only 20% of the population are true introverts, so being the minority often means being misunderstood. I am going to try to shed some light on what its like to be an introvert and live with others either feeling sorry for me, thinking less of me or trying to CHANGE me.

I don't think introversion is necessarily a negative thing - any more than extrovertism is, its just different. I don't blame my extroverted friends for this at all because from the outside, it does appear that introverts are shy, antisocial and even selfish. But there's always more to a story or a person than meets the eye :)

Next post I will share a quiz and more "fun facts" on the differences between the two types.

Here are five common misconceptions I found in an article by Brian Kim. You don't have to read the whole thing, but please scroll down just to check out the "five things".

"Top 5 Things Every Extrovert Needs to Know About Introverts"

1. If a person is introverted, it does NOT mean they are shy or anti-social.

This is probably THE biggest misconception that extroverts tend to have when it comes to introverts.

And you can’t really blame them for having that kind of misconception.

Extroverts tend to have to drag introverts to parties, to convince them to go and sell them on attending social engagements. When introverts politely decline, extroverts automatically assume that something might be wrong so they always ask if everything’s all right and of course, everything is all right. It’s just a common misunderstanding. When extroverts see a pattern like this developing, they automatically assume that introverts are shy or anti-social as that can be the only logical explanation to them. What’s more, when extroverts try to engage introverts in small talk, it seems like they hit a brick wall.

Add to that, most extroverts see that introverts tend to be fond of engaging in solitary activities such as reading, writing, and daydreaming.

Well, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it must be a duck right?

Wrong.

Introverts have more brain activity in their frontal lobes and when these areas are activated through solitary activity, introverts become energized through processes such as problem solving, introspection, and complex thinking.

Extroverts on the other hand tend to have more activity in the back of their brain, areas that deal with processing sensory information from the external world, so they tend to search for external stimuli in the form of interacting with other people and the outside world to energize them.

There’s a deeper science to this that involves differences in the levels of brain chemicals such as acetylcholine and dopamine in extroverts and introverts, but I won’t get into that.

The bottom line is that introverts are just wired differently than extroverts. There’s nothing “wrong” with them. They just become energized through different processes depending on where the majority of their brain activity takes place.

Granted there are introverts who may be shy and anti-social, but that’s just a coincidence that perpetuates the myth that ALL introverts are like that.

You’ll find that all introverts are fine just the way they are until people begin to subtly suggest otherwise.

2. Introverts tend to dislike small talk.

If you really want to engage an introvert in conversation, skip the small talk. Introverts tend to love deep conversations on subjects that interest them. They love to debate, go past the superficial and poke around the depths in people’s minds to see what’s really going on in there. Most, if not all introverts tend to regard small talk as a waste of time, unless it’s with someone new they just met.

This characteristic probably contributes to another misconception that extroverts have of introverts - the misconception that all introverts are arrogant.

Why?

Because extroverts notice that introverts don’t talk that much with other people. Therefore, extroverts assume that introverts think they’re too good to talk to others, hence arrogant and that’s hardly the case.

It’s just a matter of preference.

Extroverts thrive on small talk. Introverts abhor it.

There’s nothing wrong with either choice, it’s just a matter of preference.

This brings us to the third point.

3. Introverts do like to socialize – only in a different manner and less frequently than extroverts.

Yes, it’s true. Contrary to the majority of public opinion, introverts do like to socialize, but again, only in a different manner and less frequently than extroverts.

Introverts love anything that involves deep conversation. They get energized by discussing subjects that are important to them and they love see what and how other people think, to connect the dots, to dig deep, to find root causes, to use logical thinking via debate in conversation, etc.

And what’s more, introverts can do a lot of things extroverts are naturally good at - give great speeches, schmooze with everyone, be the life of the party, charm the socks off of total strangers - but only for a short period of time. After that, they need time for themselves which brings us to the fourth point.

4. Introverts need time alone to recharge.

Extroverts tend to think introverts have something against them as they constantly seem to refuse generous invites to social engagements. Introverts do appreciate the offers, but it’s just that they know it will take a lot of energy out of them if they pursue these social functions.

They need time alone like they need food and water. Give them their space. There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re not depressed and they’re not sad. They just need time alone to recharge their batteries.

5. Introverts are socially well adjusted.

Most introverts are well aware of all the social nuances, customs, and mannerisms when it comes to interacting with other people, but they simply don’t choose to socialize as much as extroverts, which makes it easy for extroverts to assume that introverts are not socially well adjusted, as they have not seen much evidence of them interacting with other people.

This just exacerbates previous misconceptions and gives way to labeling introverts as nerds, geeks, loners, etc.

It’s easy to understand why society tends to value extroverts over introverts. Human beings have lived in a tribal society so having to interact frequently with people came to be a regarded as a very good skill when it came to survival.

But because of this high value placed on extroversion, introverts tend to feel trapped and find themselves in a catch 22 situation.

Do introverts stay true to who they are and risk social alienation and isolation or do introverts conform and join the extroverted side, pretending to be somebody they’re not just to fit in?

This is precisely why I wrote this article, because if the extroverts can become more educated about introverts, introverts will be able to feel free to stay true to who they are, and that’s a good thing from society’s point of view.

Trying to “turn” an introverted person into an extroverted person is detrimental because it gives off a subtle suggestion that there is something wrong with them, hampering their self worth and esteem when there is absolutely nothing wrong in the first place.

There’s nothing wrong with introverts.

In fact, introverts are the leading pioneers of advancements in human civilization. Albert Einstein, Issac Newton, Charles Darwin are a few introverts that come to mind, just to name a few.

And for those of you not interested in science, but pop culture, you’ll be surprised to see a lot of well known names in Hollywood are introverts as well. Julia Roberts, Steven Spielberg, Christian Bale to name a few as well.

And for those interested in sports, Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods come to mind as athletes who are introverts as well.

Introverts have a lot to bring to the table. They have an amazing ability to discover new thoughts, an uncanny ability to focus, to concentrate, to connect the dots, to observe and note things that most people miss, to listen extremely well and are often found having a rich and vivid imagination too.

The more extroverts become knowledgeable about introverts, the less tension and misunderstanding there will be among the two.

So if you’re an introvert reading this, send a copy of this article to all your extrovert friends so they can get a better idea of what you’re all about.

It’s time to finally clear the air.

Integrity

2011-02-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

Someone left this quote on one of my other blogs, its from the movie "V for Vendetta".

"Our integrity sells for so little, but it's all we really have. It is the very last inch of us, but within that inch, we are free. [...] It is small and fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us."

Recently I was in a situation where I had to defend my reasons for leaving my last job. It was an unemployment hearing. It was five of them against me so I most likely "lost" the appeal, (still waiting to know for sure, but I'd be shocked if I don't). But more important than "winning" is knowing I was honest and that my integrity is still in tact.

Superbowl Causes More Heart Attacks in Women than in Men

2011-01-31T17:57:00.000-08:00

"A new study suggests that Super Bowl losses cause cardiac arrest. A team of researchers published results of a Super Bowl study in the journal Clinical Cardiology. The researchers analyzed the death records throughout Los Angeles County for a two week period following the 1980 and 1984 Super Bowl games. The researchers found that the emotional stress brought upon fans following a team loss is linked to fatal heart attacks, especially in fans who have heart disease, smoke, have diabetes, or are obese, as well as in viewers over the age of 65.

Researchers found that during the 1980 Super Bowl game, heart related deaths spiked over 15% among men and 27% among women in the two weeks following a fourth quarter come back staged by the Pittsburgh Steelersagainst the Los Angeles Rams. Dr. Robert A. Kloner, cardiology professor at the University of Southern California's Keck School of Medicine within Los Angeles offered: "Fans develop an emotional connection to their team...and when their team loses, it's an emotional stress. There's a brain-heart connection, and it is important for people to be aware of that."

I understand having loyalty to a team and all, but its a game! Its a bunch of men that are paid obscene amounts of money to run around a field with a ball. I hope no one dies as a result of this years game.

Wyatt

2011-01-31T08:40:00.000-08:00

I miss my great-nephew. He's been living in Germany for three years (3?) but he's been here to visit several times and its always as if no time has past, we are still super close buddies.

I've been fortunate to have kids in my life since I was in my early 20's. I had Dave and Danielle (neph and niece), then Keven, then Ryan (neph) then Wyatt (Danielle's son).

We all live within a five mile radius of each other (except for Danielle and Wyatt - but they will be stationed back in the US soon) so I guess you could say we're a close family.

What about you? What's your family situation like?

Did you know....

2011-01-28T08:16:00.000-08:00

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The ‘v’ in the name of a court case does not stand for ‘versus’, but for ‘and’ (in civil proceedings) or ‘against’ (in criminal proceedings).

The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.

The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The average person laughs 13 times a day.

German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.

2011-01-27T13:26:00.001-08:00

There's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now.

I feel very vulnerable writing here because my blog has been used against me.

I wrote some nice things about someone because, as you may have noticed if you've read here for awhile, I don't say negative shit about people. I don't see the point in it. Even when someone is treating my poorly I can usually broaden my mind and open my heart and choose to forgive that person and focus on the good. Sometimes I can't do that. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel that by allowing someone to be mean to me and others over and over again, I am condoning it. So I removed myself from one of those situations.

The nice things I had said about the person were taken off my blog, highlighted and used as proof that I liked the person I wrote about. I did like him, I cared about him, but I had no respect for him and could not be around him any longer with my integrity intact so I removed myself from the situation.

I don't much feel like writing.

Life is challenging but I am not going to let it get me down.

Doodles

2011-01-23T21:58:00.000-08:00

Do you doodle when you talk on the phone or are in a meeting? I do. I think it annoys some people because it seems like I am not paying attention, but studies have shown some people are better able to pay attention when they are doodling.

An Age Old Question About Morality

2011-01-22T16:07:00.000-08:00

I opened the news site I read every morning and four of the top stories that hit me in the face were about:

1. 2nd graders performing oral sex on each other in their classroom with the teacher present, and others in different states of undress watching. Yes that is not a typo, SECOND graders.

2. "Skins" the new MTV show that apparently goes above and beyond anything else in the category of teens explicitly having sex. Taco Bell took their ads off the show. Some are calling it child porn. This is what our teenagers and pre-teens are watching on TV.

3. A 23 year old porn star died on the operating table during her 6th breast augmentation surgery.

4. "1 in 7 kids are solicited for sex online. This alarming statistic was recently released from the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. The survey says 1 in 33 kids receive aggressive online solicitations to meet in person and 34% of kids say they’ve had communication with people they don’t know. "

This if from a normal newspaper. I also read several sites dedicated to reporting sex crimes because of my work in that area. The things I read on those sites I can't even subject my readers to - its horrifying what goes on. Ok, I will share the top five stories from one of those sites but skip the next paragraph if are triggered by sexual abuse.

Police officer arrested for having sex with his two adopted daughters

Daycare worker made baby porn films for her Marine boyfriend who was arrested in Afghanistan where he's stationed

Man forces woman to watch him rape her 12 year old daughter

32 year old man arrested for sexual activity with a 6 year old girl.

That's just the top few - it goes on and on and on.

So have things gotten worse in today's world or has this always been going on?

I know the Bible sure has a lot of horrifying rapes, incest, etc. so we know its nothing new. But has it gotten WORSE because there is so much more access for perverts to find victims over the internet, and because the media is creating teens that thinks its okay to have sex with ten different people in one week, have orgies, etc. etc. (we sure didn't have orgies when I was a teen, did you?)

Sigh. It makes me sad. I hat to say this if any new parents are reading (Jessica?) but I would be very concerned for my child growing up in today's world. I'm not talking about child molestation and abuse -that has been around forever. I'm talking more about their own morals of what's right and wrong.

Or maybe I'm just uptight. Maybe I'm a prude. Maybe sex is a beautiful thing to be shared with as many people as possible starting as young as possible.

I haven't updated "A Place to Talk About Rape" lately because sometimes it takes a lot out of me. And I wonder if people understand why I do it. I know why I do it, and I know what's happening behind the scenes because of that blog. And I am honored but at the same time sickened, crushed, defeated - so much hurt, so much pain, so many innocent victims who's lives are stolen at a time when their biggest worry should be what toy to play with next, what color crayon to use in their coloring book, what story they want to be read that night.

I am going to update that site tonight because I promised someone that I would share a few things there. Now I can't even remember who she is or how I met her but she checks every day to see if I have written.

Ok. Thanks for reading this if you did. People think my biggest "passion" is related to teen drug addiction, but its not. My biggest passion in life is reaching out to women and men who have been through the hell of sexual abuse and/or rape.

Friday Questions for You

2011-01-20T22:29:00.000-08:00

I am recycling these questions from last January and will include the comments left too (my friend Gary left one, I miss him!)

1. Describe yourself in high school.

2. If you could be famous for something what would it be?

3. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "akward".

4. Describe your idea of a "perfect Friday night".

Comments from last year:

meleah rebeccah said...

1. Describe yourself in high school.

awkward!

2. If you could be famous for something what would it be?

writing

3. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "akward".

high school!

4. Describe your idea of a "perfect Friday night".

Movies, drinks, fun with friends

January 8, 2010 5:22 AM

Perplexio said...

1. I tended to keep to myself. I had friends in all cliques, but I wasn't really in any cliques myself.
2. Writing novels and short stories.
3. I feel a little "awkward" that "akward" is misspelled. ;-)
4. Come home from work, play with and feed my daughter her dinner. Relax with my wife after my daughter goes to bed for the evening. Then go to bed ourselves... Kinda boring I know. But generally by Friday night I want to take it easy and rest up before starting a busy weekend with the Fam on Saturday morning.

January 8, 2010 7:25 AM

Dad and Mom said...

1. Quiet and blend into the scenery.

2. Winning multiple Powerball drawings.

3. How you misspelled the word "akward"

4. Going out to eat with friends, not thinking about addiction in my family and enjoying a relaxing cup of coffee with good lighthearted conversation.

January 8, 2010 7:44 AM

Jessica said...

1. Depressed, but happy. If that makes any sense.

2. Helping people.

3. Hmm, not sure this is a tough question.

4. Depends on my mood. Either an awesome concert, or night on the town. Or a night at home cuddling up with my guy watching a movie.

January 8, 2010 7:57 AM

Rygel said...

1. skinny

2. #1 in lack of motivation

3. me

4. full moon, beach, only him and me

January 8, 2010 8:01 AM

Bond said...

1. I was an outsider for the most part. knew kids from all the cliques, but was not accepted by any..had 3 friends and we drove around in a big red muscle car filled with pot smoke never thinking anyone would notice!

2. my first novel

3. how I used to feel in HS

4. a good pizza (impossible here in Memphis), a good movie and a hug from my baby

January 8, 2010 10:30 AM

Midnitefyrfly said...

1. Describe yourself in high school.
Trouble! I hung out with the partying kids but was friends with anyone. Married, working, pregnant. Didn't graduate.

2. If you could be famous for something what would it be?
writing or creating a successful counseling/addiction program or a reality TV show about a family of gypsies! lol

3. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "awkward".

random nudity

4. Describe your idea of a "perfect Friday night".

Dinner out with the family at one of our fav restaurants, followed by drinks and friends hanging out at our house.

January 8, 2010 11:22 AM

Ruth said...

1. Double life - church girl/party girl - didn't feel like I fit in anywhere - maybe I still don't.

2. Talk show host

3. Breaking the ice

4. appy's...bottle of wine or two...kids at sleepovers...hubby home...couple of good friends...house is clean of course.

Have a great weekend Barbara! What's your idea a perfect Friday night?

January 8, 2010 11:30 AM

Dan said...

1. I followed the crowd and was very facinated by the opposite sex.
2. Knowing all of the words to my favorite rock bands songs.
3. Clumsy
4. Get home early from work, make a cocktail, get ready to go out for fish fry, get my fill of fish and come home and get in the hot tub.....eventually going to bed.

January 8, 2010 1:34 PM

Sharon G said...

1. Friends with all clicks
2. Putting actions to words (do unto others, kinda stuff)
3. Walking in high heals
4. Laughing while playing board games with my family (and not having anyone cheat)

January 8, 2010 2:12 PM

Barbara aka Layla said...

1. Had lots of boyfriends

2. The rock star that cured cancer?

3. me mispelling the word awkward

4. Pure fantasy since I don't have a man: Enjoying a yummy meal cooked by my man, then giving him a massage as we relaxed in front of the fireplace or outside under the stars (depending on weather) while listening to and talking about our favorite music...then more romance, etc.

January 8, 2010 5:53 PM

Michael said...

Rebellious, booze guzzling,drug dealer, womanizer

Finding the cure for cancer

Getting caught making out on the couch by your 8 year old daughter

Relaxing at home with my wife after a nice meal with all the kids out of the house.

January 9, 2010 2:17 PM

Gary Means said...

1. Describe yourself in high school. The term we used back then was a "head", as in "he's a good head." Basically it meant user. Prior to that I was just an anonymous nerd.

2. If you could be famous for something what would it be? I don't think I would want to be famous. However, I would like to be known by friends, family and acquaintances as an honest, caring man.

3. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "akward". Honestly, my mind just went blank. It's not that I couldn't come up with a thousand illustrations from my own life.

4. Describe your idea of a "perfect Friday night". A cold winter night, a fire on the hearth, my sons home for a visit, my wife in her comfy chair, a nice pot of tea to share, and the four of us just relaxing in the same room, each with a favourite book.

January 10, 2010 9:05 PM

LL Cool Joe said...

1. Goody two shoes

2. Nothing, I wouldn't want to be famous.

3. How do you spell it?

4. DIY. Curry. Beer and bed.

January 16, 2010 1:08 PM

What Do You Say to Yourself All Day Long?

2011-01-19T13:23:00.000-08:00

I used to think I was the only one that had voices in my head all day, but apparently most people do. My voices say things to me that can be negative or positive, helpful or harmful. I am working really hard at being more aware of what messages I am sending myself and trying to eliminate the self-defeating negative talk. My new rule for myself: only say things to yourself that you would say to a friend.

Do you hear voices in your head? Do you like what you hear? Are you harder on yourself than you are on those around you or visa versa?

Changes Coming Soon to a Life Near You....

2011-01-17T22:11:00.000-08:00

Life is always changing, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse but most of the time just for the "different".

Next week Keven moves out of extended living care into sober living. If you have no idea what this means, just count your blessings.

It will be his first time in a sober living so a big change for him. If he doesn't have a job by next Monday he will have to volunteer full time. We are really hoping for a job (of course) but nothing has come up so far.

I have some changes coming soon too, nothing big, good or bad, just different.

Do you have anything changing in your life right now?

2011-01-15T21:12:00.000-08:00

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land

~ Jim Morrison

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

2011-01-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

A friend sent this list to me, I will share the ones I like best and if you want to see the whole list, you can find it right HERE. I laughed at loud at some of them...number two I just smiled remembering all my childless friends telling me how to raise my son.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!?

written by Amy Lawrence

Out of Sorts

2011-01-12T22:58:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: One cure for the blues: Moby Dick drum solo. Another: dog kisses. And yet another: comments from wise and caring blog friends.

I'm trying to work on not feeling guilty for doing things I think I SHOULD do that I don't really have to do, but feel like if I don't do, I am not being a good person.

I've had several counseling sessions lately and although I haven't learned anything about myself I didn't already know - I've had to look at some things more closely.

I feel like I am at a crossroads. One path leads to accepting certain things about my life as "okay" and not fighting against them and therefore being disappointed and depressed.

The other path is a lot of work emotionally, mentally, physically. Is it worth it? What if I do the work and find that I am still just as messed up as ever and nothing has really changed.

Of course I will choose the path that requires the work because I've been living here at the crossroads for way too long and in I have to take a step forward I want it to be the best choice.

If I choose to do nothing I will continue to beat myself up for not changing.

Do some people really love themselves without having to work so hard at it and almost force it? Fake it till ya make it? I don't understand self love. I've heard lots of definitions of it but none that feel right.

I am putting off going to bed...sometimes I just hate going to bed so much. I love the sleeping part, just not the getting there.

Ok. Done rambling on.

My Boxinesechiweenietzu

2011-01-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

Last year we were dying to know what breed my brother's dog, Jade, was so we sent in her DNA to Happy Dog DNA and were shocked at the results. We decided to find out about my Sugar and were even more surprised!

THESE FIVE BREEDS EQUAL THIS!?!

Her specific results were:

Boxer: 20 - 36%

Pekingnese: 20 - 36%

Chihuahua: 10 - 19%

Daschund: 10 - 19%

Shih Tzu: 10 - 19%

Looking for a job in today's economy and age of technology is cold and disheartening

2011-01-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

My son and I are both seeking employment, I think it will be easy for him to find one than it will for me even though he has no experience and a felony.

Here are some of the things I've noticed related to the type of jobs I'm applying for:

1. There aren't many!

2. When I do find an administrative job, its often for half the pay I am used to making. HALF. I am stunned by this. They know they can get away with it, so why not.

3. Experienced administrative assistance are not needed as much as before. Technology has made so many things easy and fast compared to having to do it "the old fashioned way". The boss can do his/her own work on their Blackberry while sipping a venti Cafe Americano at Starbucks.

4. Full time jobs are becoming rare. I've noticed a lot of "Part-Time" positions listed then find out that part time means 30 hours a week. This means they don't have to give you benefits. One of the main reasons to get a job is to get the health benefits!!! (at least for me, it is!)

5. Most applications and resumes never get a response. I feel like I'm sending my info into a black hole. Occasionally a company will have the courtesy to shoot one of those standards emails "We have received your resume and will contact you if .....". So far, no one has.

6. No contact info. The majority of postings I find do not list a specific name of the company, only the city in which its located. They do this so you can't look them up, get their number and call. Or worse yet...show up in person. You usually email your resume or apply through a job site. You don't even know where you're applying to work!

7. Its very convenient to look for a job. You don't even have to leave the house. This sounds like a positive at first but it eliminates the option of showing up in person to fill out an app and giving a great first impression before you even have an interview.

8. "Bi-lingual preferred". Again, I kick myself for taking French in high school. What was I thinking?

9. Speaking of that...I do not want this to come across racist or discriminatory at all, these are my observations of the area I live in. Certain professions seem to hire mostly Hispanics these days. For example, the majority of medical offices I go to are staffed almost entirely by young Hispanic women. I guess its the Bi-lingual thing? (the doctors are typically Asian, depending on the type of doctor.) But in my specific area we don't have many non-English speakers. Maybe they have a reputation for working harder, but isn't that discriminatory against other ethnicities. Every application asks about race, its optional to fill it out or not. If you list "white" then you're asked if you are "white non-Hispanic". I never know if its helping or hurting me to list myself as "white" so I leave it blank depending on where I am applying.

10. I can't think of anything less but wanted to put a number "10" on the list because I am weird like that.

(Updated) Some things don't change much...

2011-01-07T13:47:00.000-08:00

Today was a big day for me. I went to pick "my other son" up from his 10 month prison stay. He was finally getting out! We had elaborate plans for the day to surprise him, and mostly to show him that he is loved and has his entire family's support this time. Got up at 5 am, drove out there, only to find out that because of the type of parole he's on, he could not leave till Sunday. We were all disappointed, but chose to accept the things we can not change. His attitude (he was allowed to call us) was impressive, I feel like he may finally be ready to stay clean....

There was a comment left here yesterday that I agree with completely so wanted to share it here. (Thank you, Dana!) I put it at the end of this post.

I read this a few minutes ago and thought to myself....this was written about 25 years ago! Nothing has changed. The prison system is still taking non-violent offenders and treating them like this:

We want them to have self worth…. So we destroy their self-worth

• We want them to be responsible … So we take away all responsibilities

• We want them to be part of our community …. So we isolate them from our community

• We want them to be positive and constructive …. So we degrade them and make them useless.

• We want them to be non-violent…. So we put them where there is violence all around them.

• We want them to be kind and loving people … So we subject them to hatred and cruelty

• We want them to quit being the tough guy … So we put them where the tough guy is respected

• We want them to quit hanging around losers … So we put all the losers in the state under one roof.

• We want them to quit exploiting us … We put them where they exploit each other.

• We want them to take control of their own lives, own their own problems, and quite being a parasite … So we make them totally dependent on us.

By Judge Dennis Challeen from the book, "Making It Right", written in 1986!!!

Comment from Awareness:

Sadly, we havent moved forward in our actions on rehabilitation. I wonder if we ever will. It would take a leader (or 10) who could MOVE the feelings and opinions of millions of voters to a place of compassion and a sense of ownership of the issues.

We live in a judgemental, hierarchical society that believes some people are not worthy or have blown it that they aren't allowed to have intervention or a second chance.

Do You Have a Bucket List?

2011-01-03T20:45:00.000-08:00

If so, what's on it?

NOTE: I know the difference between a bucket list and a to do list!!! I wrote my TO DO list here, not my bucket list. If this was my bucket list you have my permission to have my head examined!

Mine keeps changing, and then I have to re-prioritize the whole thing (am I the only one that does that?)

Right now I have a list of places I want to visit, a few experiences I want to have and a few things I want to do. And I realize the point is to actually DO these things but something always seems to get in the way - no money being the top of that list.

My "To Do" list comes before my "Bucket List" but I don't know how to get around that.

To Do:
- Look for job
- oil change new rear brakes
- dr. apt.
- counselor apt.
- pharmacy
- find that article i can't find
*** get rid of white cichlid (call Sandbar Pets)
- justify getting hair done and call Christie for apt
- copy letters for Keven
- wrap Ant's birthday gift, fill Cad with gas, get card, make CD
- Call Nancy
- Call Mrs. VB
- Write Tisha
- Write Sharlotte
- copy Toyota Reg and mail to Geico
- call about reimbursement
- pet food
- clean Katie's cage

....and the list goes on

How do people manage to do what they want without letting other things get in their way? I'm getting too old to put stuff off for too long.

What Do You Think of Stephen Colbert's Take on America Being A Christian Nation?

2011-01-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

My Personal Look Back at the Decade

2010-12-31T15:36:00.000-08:00

I was going to do this year by year, but decided on categories. I title this decade of my life:

"Changes and Challenges"

Blogging/Technology

I don't think technology has ever exploded as much as it did this decade. For me personally, I love it. Finding information or entertainment at the touch of a keyboard, finding old friends, finding boyfriends and finding some of the best friends I've ever had!

I started blogging thanks to Regina Somboonsiri. I think it was 2004, I guess you could say I was one of the pioneers. Blogging has literally changed my life for the better. I could write an entire post on that topic but will save that for another day.

(I'll never forget telling my boss that I thought blogging was going to be a huge phenomena, he laughed at me and said it was another passing fad...)

Family

The big family news of this decade was the birth of Wyatt, my great-nephew. Wyatt is 8 years old now. He and I have bonded and we are the best of buddies. I love that kid and he loves me just as much. Its one of my most cherished relationships I have.

Deaths:

I lost several co-workers, one of Keven's close friends and a few relatives. But the deaths that affected me the most were three close friends. Denice in Feb. 2000, Doug in Oct. 2008 and Gary in Nov. 2010.

Denice had breast cancer for years and went through hell and back several times fighting it. The last time I saw her she was given only days or weeks to live.
But she looked at me and said "no way am I leaving before all this Y2K crap goes down, I want to see what happens!" And sure enough she hung on another two months.

Dougie committed suicide. I should have seen the signs, he'd been preparing for it for over 6 months. But I know could not have stopped him. I think maybe I postponed him from doing it several times over the years (he talked about it a lot) but he was done. I was devastated, especially when I found out I was the only friend he left a note too. I'm choking up again...

Gary. OMG, its still so fresh and new. Gary died very suddenly of a heart attack. I feel like I lost a brother. Enough said.

(Even though its much harder to watch a loved one suffer from cancer, losing someone unexpectedly is harder to for me to grieve and accept. It hurts in a different way)

Friends:

I have the some of best friends I've ever had in my life right now. I am thankful on a daily basis for my friends near and far and for my kindred spirit and friend, Sherry.

Health:

I struggled with the usual aches and pains of fibromyalgia and the frustration and torture of tinnitus, but over all I am healthy and grateful for it. I've gained and lost a lot of weight over the last ten years but am happy to say I am on the right track and feel pretty damn good.

Job:

I worked at CCC from 1990 - 2005. I was laid off. Was offered a new job without even having to look, stayed there for almost two years and then CCC had an opening and begged me to come back (literally). I did. Big mistake. I was laid off again in 2009 and was unemployed for the first time ever with no unemployment (CCC is a 501c). After 11 months of not working or even getting an interview, an old friend hired me. I may or may not someday share the real reason I no longer work there but I saw a side to him I didn't know about before. I am now unemployed again with no unemployment benefits (I appealed their denial and have to go to a hearing on it soon). I haven't allowed myself to think about it too much but my funds are dipping real low...

Keven:

I love my son more than I could ever convey in words. Over the past five years he's been in trouble with the law, arrested, in jail, had a suicide attempt, been on several 5150's, 2 short term rehabs, 1 90 day rehab and currently in the middle of a 6 month rehab. His drug of choice is heroin. I have learned so much about addiction and recovery in the last three years. Some people think its wrong, or strange that I share so openly about his addiction. I do it for two reasons, to support the other parents out there and to hopefully educate people. I have never been ashamed of my son because it was never his choice to become an addict. Yes, he chose to try it, but he didn't choose the life that followed. It owned him after one use (not uncommon). He knows all about my blog and is also very open about it. He's talked to youth in diversion programs to warn them. He's grown SO MUCH in this current rehab. I am PROUD of my son. I am heartbroken by his addiction. I hope this is the decade we will stop thinking of him in terms of his addiction, but it truly is all encompassing.

(There is an incredibly supportive community of parents of addicts here on the blogs. Without them, I would be a like a puddle of tears, and no help whatsoever to my son. With them, I am stronger, smarter and better able to cope. Only parents of addicts understand this hellish nightmare. So thank you to all of them (you know who you are) I love, respect and admire us for being willing to learn, grow, share and be supportive.)

Music:

I could get carried away here so I will restrain myself and hit only the highest highlights: It was definitely a big decade for Bruce and I saw him several times. I had the joy of taking two friends (Isaac and Clyde) so they could understand what all the talk was about (you haven't lived until you experience a Springsteen concert...). Also saw U2 for the first time ever and it was PERFECT. Lots of new music out that I love and some sad losses in the world of music.

Pets:
Losses: Pandora, Chanelle, Brewster (cats)
Allie, Daisy (dogs)

Gains:
Black Jack, Bella, Bijou, Beatle (cats)
Chloe and Sugar (dogs)

Relationships:
I had a very interesting love life this decade. The first few years I dated lots and lots of men looking for Mr. Right. I fell in love with a man in 2001 and dated him for two years, then it took me another two years to get over him. Then I met Paul, we were engaged but I broke it off, we are still friends. I also had a long distance on-line 1 1/2 year relationship with a guy from Australia, that was a weird one but he was (is) an amazing guy. Then there was Drew. No comment on that one, we all make mistakes.

Spirituality:
I could write a book on this topic. I'll just say I no longer call myself a Christian and don't follow any religion and I am ten times more at peace now about my current spiritual beliefs.

What I've Learned:

I've learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined. That I can love deeply, hurt deeply and forgive completely. I've learned to speak my mind. I've accepted myself for who I am and no longer make excuses for my personality (introvert).

I've learned that this blog post is much too long so until next year...

Thanks for being part of my life!

Holy Cow!

2010-12-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

Did this decade fly by or what?

I usually do a review of my year but I guess this time I will review the last TEN years.

Better start writing....

People Who Dress Their Dogs Up Are WEIRD!

2010-12-25T10:38:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from Barbara and Sugar!

Food for Thought

2010-12-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

Rain Damage

2010-12-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

Last night there lots of floods and mudslides. We are safe where we are but the closest towns to the east, west, north and south have experienced serious damage to homes, roads and businesses :(

Our local high school is an evacuation center. I'm going to call and see if there's anything I can do.

One of my favorite places, Laguna Beach, had four feet of water rushing through downtown this morning and mudslides in the canyon.

I hereby solemnly swear....

2010-12-21T22:50:00.000-08:00

...not to change my template again for a long, long time. Of course I get to define long, long time and for me that could mean three weeks.

I am getting sick of myself changing it. I need some continuity around here!!

Who's all ready to enjoy a Happy Holiday?

Warning: Australians Don't Hold Back, This is Disturbing

2010-12-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

The other night at Family Group where Keven's living a group of about 100 of us watched a video on drunk driving. It was from a group in Australia where I believe its shown on television.

Anyhow it was the most graphic, horrifying, disturbing thing I had seen in a long time. The USA kind of has a way of sugar coating just about anything that could possibly upset people and cause them to complain so something like this would most likely not show up on our television.

This is not the one we saw but its still very graphic and disturbing so only choose to watch it if you want to.

The message: Drunk Driving at Christmas. I opened my newspaper this morning and read of a drunk driver killing a father and son in our area so decided that we all need to be reminded even though I know none of us would purposely drink and drive. Maybe you know someone that needs to see this. I was glad my son saw it.

And if you want to see all of the videos they've produced on driving (not just drunk, but speeding, etc.) here is their website: TAC.

Thank you, Australia, for being brave enough to tell it like it is.

I WAS GIVEN THE GIFT OF GIVING!

2010-12-18T22:45:00.000-08:00

I have these incredible friends (a couple) who are beyond generous, kind and thoughtful. They gave me a very generous Amazon gift card (which they bought through my site and earned me $12.00!!! A double gift!)

I asked myself what I would do with it. I have an Amazon Wish List a mile long. But the thing that kept popping in my head was "a new tattoo kit for Anthony". I knew they cost about the same amount as the gift card. I told a few people what I was thinking and every one of them said I should get something for ME. One person said "they didn't give it to spend on someone else, they might be hurt or insulted if you used it for that."

As soon as I heard that I knew for sure I needed to get the Tat Kit because Jim has been a role model to me and he is a big time GIVER. He would understand, he would like it (i hope)!

So I went over to Amazon (they really do have everything) and went looked at the kits and lo and behold: THE BEST ONE WAS ON SALE FOR A GREAT PRICE! I was able to buy it PLUS have half the money left for ME!

I am not sharing this story to say "oh look at me, I'm so generous and bitchen and groovy cause I did this". No. My point in sharing this is because IT IS SO TRUE:

Giving is way more satisfying than receiving.

I love getting gifts, but GIVING ONE feels so good. So if anything I am not bragging about how generous I am, I am selfish for using half the gift card to give myself the gift of giving which makes me feel GREAT.

Anthony's birthday was Dec. 15, Christmas is the 25th, he gets out of prison on Jan 7. I can't wait to see him open it up. I am going to wrap it half in birthday paper and half in Christmas paper. I can't wait!!!

I got him his first kit over a year ago and unfortunately someone stole it out of my garage (everything he owns is in about four boxes in my garage, sad huh?) Now when he gets home he can have a legitimate way to make some money while he looks for a real job. He is a damn good artist and has done some beautiful tattoos. I think I may ask for one...a tiny heart.

* I know who took it, it was not my son.

So I am finally in the spirit of Christmas! Fa la la la la, la la, la, la!

P.S. I've already been called a hypocrite for posting this Santa that obviously works out...check out the comments between me and Tit for Tat. I was hoping someone would say something to me about the Santa and I also hoped they would know it was an attempt at being humorously ironic.

Hooter's Being Sued for "Sales to Kids"

2010-12-17T17:01:00.000-08:00

I'm very interested in hearing your thoughts on this:

"Hooter's slogan is "delightfully tacky, yet unrefined"...and it's that business philosophy that's getting them into trouble with one organization.

Girls in tight tops & skimpy orange shorts are the subject of a lawsuit filed by the National Organization for Women.

California's "NOW" chapter claims Hooters restaurants in San Francisco, Sacramento, and Orange County are breaking local and state laws by serving minors.

"It's the normalization of sexual harassment and as a parent I want all kids to know that's not normal and we don't want them to grow up to be future hooters girls," said a NOW spokeswoman.

But not everybody thinks Hooters is a bad spot for kids.

"That was part of our job, to have fun with the kids; balloons, hoola-hoops," said a former Hooter's waitress.

The Fresno location was not named in the suit.

Officials with hooters are not commenting."

Story taken from here.

I have had two experiences related to the Hooter girls, I'll share that a bit later.

Friday Questions for You

2010-12-17T09:05:00.000-08:00

Just one question for today, what is your favorite holiday song? I have two, "Do They Know Its Christmas" by Band Aid, and "Merry Christmas, Baby" performed by Bruce:

(How many of these people do you recognize?)

What the heck?

2010-12-16T09:13:00.000-08:00

I am concerned for my son's future. Not just because of his problems, but because right now its not that easy to get a job for someone who has experience and he has none. He also has a criminal record which THANKFULLY will be dismissed when he finishes the court program he's in, but that's a year away. In the meantime a background check on him will show that he's got a felony drug charge.

Who is going to hire him with both those things against him?

I might, I've taken chances on people before when I did hiring and all of them turned out to be great employees (well, except for the woman who murdered her husband....but she'd been abused for years and just snapped one day).

ANYHOW....I've talked to several others that have been out of work for a long time. I am not complaining or feeling sorry for myself, I am just thinking, this is NOT good.

One option for me is to go back to school for two years to pursue something I've always wanted to do. Will there be a job for me at the end of it? How will I support myself during it? I guess I have nothing to lose by trying.

So anyhow, this is my thought for the day: What the heck are all the unemployed people out there going to do? How did this happen? Who's going to fix it? Is it going to get worse before it gets better?

Cool New Chrome Apps - Extensions

2010-12-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

I remember when Firefox came out and a friend had to beg me to try it. I was so hesitant at switching from IE, but when I did I never looked back. It was ten times better, you could customize, it was faster, safer, way more fun.

Then Google came out with Chrome. I was a loyal Firefoxer and had no interest in switching over. Nothing could change my mind...

...but I WAS very curious. Still, I stayed faithful.

UNTIL - Erin and Bob both started using it. Since I see them both as gurus of the Internet and all things cool, I had to check it out. I never looked back. Chrome is where its at for a browers.

So, all that to say, they have some new apps that I just love. Especially the new "window shopping" app for Amazon. Very cool!

What browser do you use?

P.S. Speaking of Amazon: THANKS AGAIN for using my site to go there and buy your stuff! I can't tell who is using it but I have made $40.00 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!

Friday Questions for You

2010-12-10T07:28:00.000-08:00

1. What are your plans for the holidays (if you celebrate).

2. Lets say there really was a Santa, what would you ask him for this year?

3. What's your best Christmas memory?

4. Are you one of the many people that feel kind of depressed around the holidays?

5. If there really was a Santa and YOU were him/her - what would you leave under my tree this year?

Family Group

2010-12-09T22:12:00.000-08:00

Wow. I absolutely love the Rehab Kev is in this time. I guess the old adage is true: you get what you pay for. The county paid rehab was good but this one is excellent. I can see the difference its making in his life and in mine.

One of the case managers that usually leads our family group on Thursday nights is so good. She calls people on their stuff but in a way that does not seem threatening. She said a few things to Keven tonight that I have never had the courage to say myself and ~~forced~~ strongly suggested to him that he should discuss in in front of the group. It was rad! He had to hear from her, his peers and me about something that was helpful for him to recognize.

I don't know if it will change anything for him, but it made me feel so validated and so thankful to learn certain things that. Its hard to explain without giving details but I don't want to invade his privacy any more than I already do :)

That reminds me - he does know I write about him and he understands why and accepts it.

Tomorrow is the funeral for Gilbert. I still can't believe he's dead.

Happy Birthday, Keven

2010-12-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

Today my son is 20 years old.

I love him.

Grieving Another Loss

2010-12-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

This loss is very different from losing my friend Gary a few weeks ago. Gary was a close friend and his death leaves an emptiness in my life that can't be filled by anyone else plus the sadness for his family and friends.

This death, a young man named Gilbert, is painful for me because he was one of Keven's close friends and he died of a heroin overdose on Saturday.

That's all I will say here. I said more about it here if you are interested. Its been a very difficult day for me.

PS

Do you, or anyone you know, take Effexor? I have been taking if for years and need to get off it but am scared to death of the side effects. I have experienced some of THIS just from missing a day or two. I am not prepared to go through this at this time but can't afford to fill my RX because my insurance, for some reason, won't pay for it, even though I am paying them over $300 a month! I am already not sleeping because my insurance quit paying for Ambien. I don't know what to do! Why are insurance companies pulling this???? Its not right!

What TV Shows Do You Watch?

2010-12-05T22:51:00.000-08:00

I only have one that I have to watch each week. I got hooked on Dexter this year. I watched all five previous seasons online and then watched this season, which ends next week.

I also watch Ellen every day (I record it so I don't miss one) because I admire her and she makes me laugh.

Top Ten Baby Names for 2010

2010-12-02T16:36:00.000-08:00

Boys:
Aiden
Jacob
Jackson
Ethan
Jaden
Noah
Logan
Caden
Lucas
Liam

Girls:
Sophia
Isabella
Olivia
Emma
Chloe
Ava
Lily
Madison
Addison
Abigail

Do you know any babies with these names? I have a dog named Chloe, does that count?

What were the top baby names in the year you were born? Here they are for my birth year:

Boys:
Michael
David
James
John
Robert
Mark
William
Richard
Thomas
Steven

Girl:
Mary
Susan
Linda
Karen
Donna
Patricia
Deborah and Debra
Cynthia
Linda

Honest Answers From Men Needed!

2010-12-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

I wrote this on FB but am posting it here too. I promise not to write about this topic all the time but its bugging me and I want some honest feedback:

Ok, I cancelled the date for toinight because I was not looking forward to it. Why? Because the guy was already making sexual innuendos before even meeting me and I am sick of that. BUT, apparently I am being unrealistic and this is just how guys my age are because according to this expert (see below) I shouldn't expect anything different. So PLEASE tell me what you think. If you don't want to answer here you can leave an anonymous comment.

So, here is the response I got from a guy who has a website about men dating in midlife after I was complaining that I want to be respected and appreciated before I jump in the sack, please tell me if I am being too idealistic to want someone to get to know me first:

"The only thing I can tell you is - there is "what is ideal" and there is "what is real" ... and unfortunately what you may find on ANY online dating site as far as men go is - men who want to hook up. That is not universally true, but it can be true most often. This means they want to skip first and second bases, and run right to the home plate. The best thing you can do in your situation (wanting first respect, then appreciation, and then later sexual intimacy) ... is to be as clear about this in the wording of your profile as possible. Expecting men our age to behave in a manner other than their default state is hopeful at best! Good luck!!!"

Writing From the Inside Out

Its Time for Goodbye

How Much Do You Know About World Hunger?

Spaced Out Random Post

Allergic to Red Ink, A First World Problem

Trippy Hippy Me

Steve Jobs and Me

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

Daryl Hall was on Jimmy Fallon the other night, therefore....

when all else fails...

For Joe:

Dear Gary, I Need You....

Ban the "F" Word

I Don't Like The Pink Ribbon

Ocean View Massage

Can We Trust Dr. Oz?

Imagine

West Coast Earthquake Veterans Snickering at East Coast

Happy 75th Robert Redford

Almost Half a Million Pay Views!

For WalkingBorder

I miss this cat...A Coyote got him a few years ago :(

Other Kinds of Love

Love is NOT a Choice (for me)

Reminiscing about Past Loves

Thank You

People STILL Think Fibromyalgia is "a made up disease"

Emotions Get Triggered for my Daddy

Life

You Can Find Me:

Taking Care of Our Planet

Write a Poem

Breaking my rule to never discuss politics on my blog:

10 Myths About Being Single by Bella De Paulo

What Do You Think of This Ad of Mother Painting Son's Toenails Pink?

My least favorite athlete/celebrity

National Volunteer Week

Good Old Bill Gates!

What Are You Reading?

Bruce Springsteen Letter to the Editor: Story on poverty, aid cuts gives voice to voiceless | The Asbury Park Press | APP.com

Kindergarten

Mother Teresa on Hopelessness

Wedding Ring Update!

Thank you for the input

What Would You Do?

Donate to the RED CROSS to lend help to JAPAN

Gotta LOVE Jimmy Fallon and his Charlie Sheen parodies :)

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Mutual of Omaha, Aha Moment

Joe Heuer YES, I am the crazy cat you'll see in the Mutual of Omaha Aha Moment Commercial

talkin' bout my Rock & Roll Philosophy

Sunday night during

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition on ABC between 8-9 PM EST, 7-8 CST here in the US.

Gratefully Blessed!

March is __________ Awareness Month

[edit]

Big and (Beautiful?)

A poem by John K.

Misunderstanding Introverts

Integrity

Superbowl Causes More Heart Attacks in Women than in Men

Wyatt

Did you know....

Doodles

An Age Old Question About Morality

Friday Questions for You

What Do You Say to Yourself All Day Long?

Changes Coming Soon to a Life Near You....

11 Step Program for Those Thinking of Having Kids

Out of Sorts

My Boxinesechiweenietzu

Looking for a job in today's economy and age of technology is cold and disheartening

(Updated) Some things don't change much...

Do You Have a Bucket List?

What Do You Think of Stephen Colbert's Take on America Being A Christian Nation?

My Personal Look Back at the Decade

Holy Cow!

People Who Dress Their Dogs Up Are WEIRD!

Food for Thought

Rain Damage

I hereby solemnly swear....

Joe Heuer
YES, I am the crazy cat you'll see in the Mutual of Omaha Aha Moment Commercial